4 posts tagged “service”

This time of year brings about gestures of charity and kindness in many homes and families. As I reflected on this the past little while, it comes to mind the tendency to look outside of our families for those in need. I wonder how often our families need our charity and kindness more than anyone else. I can imagine the pain of knowing a family member is capable of being nice and giving, but only to people that "don't matter".

In my family one of my sisters pointed out that we are "danglers". This means that one sibling might call another talking about how their babysitter fell through and they don't know how on earth they are going to do the things they need to do with the kids in tow. The presenter is waiting for the other person to offer their assistance. Sometimes it works. It was something that was pointed out I suppose as a pattern observation. It seemed to me that I needed to be aware of my own tendency to "dangle". Just ask, right?

I can only theorize that there is something about just asking. Maybe we need to sell how terrible a plight we are in so that the other person cannot deny us. Maybe we think that if we just said "hey, I need you" then it would get rejected. Then again, maybe we think everyone should bend at our every call and so we shouldn't have to ask, they should just "know" to help us.

I am torn between these two things. As the person in need, I do not object to asking for help. At the same time, I think everyone's lives would be a little better if we saw a need and filled it, without someone having to ask. Those two things seem to oppose each other in my head, but make complete sense at the same time.

I think both of them boil down to pride. Are we too proud to admit we need help? Or are we too proud to serve someone else? Are we so focused on how little people help us that we don't see how many people need us?

I am a helper, by profession, I suppose. Every day it is my job to help people's lives and relationships improve. There are many times that I do not know what the other person expects or needs me to do. I'm sure there are many days that I fall short of expectations or what people need. I hesitate to "fix" when some people just want to be listened to. Finding that balance is something I have yet to master, but I'm working on it.

Do you see only your needs or the needs of others as well? Then, what do you do about it?

The last class has begun and it seems that all I can think about is dragons. At least that's what popped into my head last night as I was trying to get some rest from the stresses of all the transitions that are going to happen in a matter of a few weeks. In a nutshell, I think I'm shoving four or five huge transitions into a three-day period at the end of the month. I'm so glad to be making the drive to my new location with my best friend so I can fully process the whole ordeal.

Back to dragons. The only dragon I can picture is that one from Shrek, probably because it's the one I've seen the most. I suppose I have always believed there was a shortage of knights in the modern world. I never really thought about it, but I also rarely saw a guy that struck me as the type to go out and slay dragons. I've seen guys fight things that looked more like salamanders than dragons, thinking they'll still get the gratitude of the fair maiden. The maiden didn't even see the "dragon". Heck, she was in another land when the slaying happened. She wasn't even close to being in mortal danger, at least not by that "dragon". She was being tormented, but the knight just thought it was a pet or something she enjoyed, so he left it to find something more...conquerable.

I'm all about guys finding their adventure. I can't really be a fan of Wild At Heart and not be a fan of that. I just wonder if the guys really don't see the dragon or if they see it, comment on it, and the maiden minimizes it or demands to fight it on her own. I think...I am one of these maidens. I've been fighting dragons for so long by myself that it only seems natural to continue to fight them on my own, even when a knight arrives in full gear and ready for a fight. He recognizes the need, has a desire to meet the need, yet is brought down by the maiden's determination and strength.

I'm not a feminist. I never have been. I've been called a "strong woman" by more than one of the professors here in the program, but that is mostly attributed to a need in order to function. While I love a great therapy session, it doesn't compare to the joy I get from doing stereotypically "female" things like baking/cooking for others, watching kids play, teaching, but most of all...being taken care of.

I think there is a shortage of a lot of people willing to be taken care of. Whether it is a trust thing or a pride thing, I don't know. I just wonder...when there is an obvious need observed, how often do we not stop to help? Why? Do we think someone else will stop? Is someone else better equipped? Has the world successfully convinced everyone that they have nothing to offer? Is there some kind of thought process where we think if we were that person we would be offended that someone offered help? Like they were saying "you're not strong enough to handle this" and swoop in and try to help? Is it really so bad to accept help?

I was leaving for church on Sunday and there was a girl in her Jeep at my apartments that was obviously not starting. My experience in regard to cars is limited at best. I have a dad I can call in a hurry who could probably answer any question about cars, but that's really all. I wanted to help. I was leaving for church rather early. I had time. I just didn't. The Jeep is running again, I don't know who helped, but I'm glad someone did.

Maybe we all take turns being knights and maidens.  We all need help at times and we all have the potential to fight the dragon with someone, even if just next to them, not taking over. A little help never hurts. And regardless of what the world tells us, we are all worth a little help.

I sometimes lose my enthusiasm for things. I think that's pretty obvious, even if only based upon my "daily" entries. I really forget why I am doing things or I fail to articulate those reasons when I am requested to discuss them. This recently happened last week when I went to interview for a Ph.D. program. I met with the other prospects and eventually became intimidated. I got over it rather quickly and intended to go the next day and throw myself on the gauntlet. Then I got sick.

I don't think I've met anyone who likes being sick. I haven't had any Munchausen patients, yet. While I was sick I lost a lot of my perspective about things. I lost confidence about my therapy skills and completely forgot why I was pursuing a Ph.D. It didn't help that I still hadn't (and still haven't) heard back from the school. I found myself not really caring too much about the next couple of days. I'm pretty sure everyone has those days. Days where there isn't any good reason to do anything except for the fact that otherwise you'd be a lazy bum.

I wasn't looking forward to my sessions on Thursday. I had three scheduled and at the last minute one of my classmates asked me to join and do a co-therapy session. So, four sessions in one night. It's pretty typical fare for most of my classmates, but I've probably only had a handful of four or more session nights. Of course, this would fall on the day that I really didn't want to be doing therapy. My first session was a client I've had for a while Things went rather normally. The second client was a previous one as well. I suppose it went okay. The third was my co-therapy session.

The clients were new to both of us, but my classmate took the lead and I let him. I really didn't say very much. My classmate is rather skilled and I was feeling rather...unskilled. I interjected when I thought it was important, which was rare.

My last session was a new client. It started and was really...sticky. By the end of the session I felt like we were un-stuck, but not due to anything I had done. I walked back into the control room afterward and the supervisor on duty just said "wow". Apparently, the fact that the session turned was a big deal. I suppose I should look at the tape. Slowly, my faith in my own skills was returning, a little.

I was browsing the good ol' blogger using the next journal feature and came upon a site with an entry about Randy Pausch. I watched his entire lecture on YouTube (you have to watch 8 or 9 10-minute clips) and was wowed. Moreover, I remembered all the reasons (and possibly more) why I wanted to further my education.

The trouble with this realization is that I'm kicking myself because I was sick or because I feel like I may have "thrown away" a great opportunity for more school.  On the flip side of that is the assumption within that statement. Does not getting into a doctoral program withdraw the opportunity to reach my goals?

Of course not!

When I was in high school there was a program that you could apply to where you helped your peers. I applied, I interviewed, I was turned down. The next year, the opportunity arose, I applied again, I interviewed, I was accepted. The comment that stuck with me was that the reason they accepted me was because I tried again. Just because I might not get in this year does not mean that I am forever banned from applying to any Ph.D. program in the future.

Something else that reminded me was watching Oprah's new show The Big Give. Ultimately, I think doing things like that should be everyone's end goal. Just giving back to people. I'll never be in a position to do anything like that if I work at McDonald's for the rest of my life. Sure I'll help people along the way, but it's not as much about survival as it is about looking for ways to help others.

I would say that my only complaint about the show is that they are judged on the fanfare of it all, the presentation. How much more effective it would be to just give in secret and not make a big deal about it. I hope that it motivates people to do more service and be more aware of people around them and their needs.

I had a thought in Sunday School today and wrote it out in my church journal. Following the quotes are my other thoughts on it.

"When does offering to help others become an insult or condescending? Today at church the ward is littered with people needing help. A woman at church recently had twins and was sitting next to me. She was happy to be offered help. I was walking down the hall to Sunday School and another woman was wheeling herself down the hallway in her wheelchair. I offered to help, but she didn't accept. Then I am sitting in Sunday School and a different woman in a wheelchair, dropped something. She was making great effort to pick it up so I reached down and got it and handed it to her, then I began to wonder. Is it offensive to these people for me to offer help? If so, is it about them or me? I think it has to do with pride, people who must do things on their own and cannot accept assistance even when they need it. Failing to ask for help, on my part, likely is an exhibition of my own pride, as well as being unwilling to offer help. When I offer and it is rejected, does it keep me from wanting to offer help again? If it does, how sad a state I must be in to think so highly of myself and take credit for the gifts Heavenly Father offers me. How much this make me think of the scriptures and speech of King Benjamin. Mosiah 2:20-21; 4:20-21. I should look up the "Beware of Pride" talk by Ezra Taft Benson. It has been a long time since I have. I think this extends to our own need to control our lives. How prideful it is for us to think that WE know better how to manage our lives than God Himself!!"

I know there are days where I think more of myself than the needs of others. I also know that I am very wary to not exhibit vulnerability to anyone around me. Whether that means crying in public, sharing the things closest to me, or even trusting someone. I feel stupid for admitting that some people bring me more joy than others. The idea of needing people, depending on others, trusting them, is not something I am great at. I know it all comes down to pride. There was a quote in the lesson in church today that struck me very much, mostly because I agree with it so much on so many levels:

"Let him who has evil tendencies be honest and acknowledge his weakness. I tell you the Lord places no sin in our lives. He has made no man wicked...Sin was permitted in the world, and Satan permitted to tempt us, but we have our free agency. We may sin or live righteously, but we cannot escape responsibility. To blame our sin upon the Lord, saying it is inherent and cannot be controlled, is cheap and cowardly. To blame our sins upon our parents and our upbringing is the way of the escapist. One's parents may have failed; our own backgrounds may have been frustrating, but as sons and daughters of a living God we have within ourselves the power to rise above our circumstances, to change our lives." ~ Spencer W. Kimball

I've tried to make choices in spite of the "frustrating" experiences of life, but I'm far from perfect at it. I realize now that I am a very prideful person and that is the thing I need to overcome most right now. It is okay for me, and others, to need the help of others, to be dependent, to love and care. It is not weak, it is life. It is also my responsibility to look for opportunities to help, to be involved, and less selfish to those around me, regardless of their willingness to accept my help. My heart should be in the offer, then they can choose what to do with it. We talked about thing things that Satan uses to try to break down our fortress of righteousness today. I think pride is the biggest artillery in his arsenal. If we are proud, we do not admit we have been weak, we do not admit that we have sinned, we do not repent, and we are driven away from the good things in the Gospel. In this aspect, there are definitely things I have been procrastinating approaching because I know it will be difficult to do.