4 posts tagged “relationships”

A couple weeks ago some of my classmates were asking me what makes me angry. Generally I don't get angry about stuff. They didn't believe me. They probably thought it was some of that old "avoidance pattern" stuff where I just block out "all" my anger. I finally found something that makes me angry. And then I found at least one thing that frustrates me.

First we'll address angry. Parents. Not my parents, but parents of my kids at the hospital. Specifically, the ones who make excuses not to see their kids and treat them like they're unimportant wastes of time. I'm about to drop-kick one of the moms. Or at least give her a sound tongue-lashing. I suppose then what really makes me angry is people who don't take into consideration the feelings of people they should love. If that's whittled down into one word it would be...selfishness. In reality, all selfishness doesn't get me as fired up as this one situation, but still.

I suppose the frustrating thing could be construed as something along the vein of selfishness, but I don't think so at all. It more comes down to...people giving up. People who don't fight any more. It seems like a pretty wide spectrum of people, but ... okay maybe it is. I don't know how my parents did it, but all of my siblings (and myself) are hard workers. We don't put our names on shabby jobs of things and enjoy it.

This is probably most frustrating to me because I've been known to do it in the past. Not in regard to tangible things, but more in regard to relationships/friendships. I'll move and unless I know that the friendship goes both ways then I'm not really going to make an effort to maintain a long-distance anything. It becomes even more difficult each time I move because I have a large family and I keep adding good friends and eventually all my time would be spent calling, e-mailing, or writing snail mail to my friends if I really kept touch with them all. I know this about myself.

I have managed to convince myself that this is okay because I make an effort not to be fake about stuff. If I don't like you...I don't hide it. I'll be civil, but I won't be outgoing and bubbly to your face and stab you when you turn around. I'm not that person. Because I'm not that person, I don't accept people as friends who I feel are "that person". Sometimes it takes me longer to realize the facade than others, but there hasn't been a time where I've been tricked when it came to it.

For me, there are no one-sided friendships. I'm not going to pour my heart out to anyone who doesn't feel they can do the same to me. There are times when I see room for improvement on my part and on the other person's part. I know they are holding themselves back and I want to be around when they let themselves go (in a good way). I want to see them reach their potential. The frustrating part is when you see them moving toward that and then...they stop. They refuse to try, to fight, to work for the end goal, to put themselves out there with a risk.

This is the point for me where I lose my steam for watching paint dry. I am reminded of a scene in the movie Gattaca where the two brothers race swimming in a lake and the seemingly "weaker" one always wins. Toward the end of the movie, the brother that loses all the time finally asks how the other wins. He tells him that he doesn't save any energy for the trip back. I feel like these people that are holding back are expecting some sort of safety in putting away some energy for later when in reality it only means that they'll rarely win. Then I find myself mourning for the person they have the potential to be. They will always be frustrated with themselves. Trying to find ways to prove themselves that don't take true risk or effort. The person they could be is frustrated because they are unwilling to take one step on true faith. Instead they take steps other people have set before them, with no thought for ... anything.

I suppose it's so frustrating because I know the difference. I'm not saying that I don't do it anymore, I just don't do it as much. I know how much happier I am on the days that I choose to walk by faith and trust in who I could be and the paths set before me or I have to blaze myself. Doing it is the hard part. 

All clients lie. This is the thing we were told from the onset of the program. Soon after, "All therapists lie" was added to our list of catchphrases. I'm not sure which one I am today, but I know a little of either wouldn't hurt.

At first, I was somewhat offended by the assumption that I was a liar. I try to be honest with people in the majority of situations. Oftentimes, it has gotten me in trouble. I suppose the main method of my deception is through omission, or as we say in the biz, avoidance. :)

I won't say that I only learned avoidance in my home environment because I picked it up other places too. But it's a part of me and even though that part has been chipped away at for the past several months, there's still a part of the avoidant me that remains. This part is getting stronger strictly based on the timing of everything.

I'm typically pretty good at avoiding the "little irritations" for the sake of the group. I try a little less with some people than others, but generally, I'll eat my hat before getting all dramatic on the group which ends up altering the mood of the whole. At least I try, or I thought I did.

The trouble with eating your hat, or anything else for that matter, is that eventually you get full. You no longer have an appetite for bowler hats, sun hats, baseball hats, clown hats, beanies, or any other type of cranial decoration.

I think the biggest lies that we, as clients or therapists, tell are the ones we tell ourselves. Examples escape me, possibly because all the potential examples in my mind would be far too telling of my current...position, but I think you all know the lies you tell yourselves.

My frustrations continued to grow until a couple weeks ago at which point explosion seemed the only option. The quote that I find that best describes this frustration is this: "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." ~Adm. Hyman G. Rickover

I'm not sure if that's an accurate attribution or if that guy didn't really say it, but I'd heard it before. I'm the type of person that would rather discuss life, the complexities of it, feelings/reactions to it, things like that. I'm impatient with those that choose to discuss people. I've become even more impatient with those people because I've been making an effort to be less critical and judgmental and it is difficult when surrounded by the people people.

I do recognize the slight irony in my discussing a person that discusses people. For me, it isn't about this person, it's about how it impacts my interaction with them, why it's upsetting, why I'm frustrated, how that affects my behavior, etc. I really have nothing negative to say about the people that talk about people, except that I'm tired of talking to them. If the best thing you can talk to me about is what so-and-so might be doing, then I don't want to hear it. If you want to tell me how that is affecting you, what that makes you struggle with, why it is important that I know that...okay, I'll take that. Just please don't feed me speculation and gossip and expect me to swallow it.

I'm not perfect at this by any stretch of the word, but I'm doing better. I suppose one must know how bad it was before they can realize any degree of change.

All this comes at a very inopportune time for me. I graduate in a matter of months. I have a pattern that I'm struggling to break and I have still not successfully convinced myself that I've changed. Several patterns have changed, the trouble in this pattern is that it only arises when I'm preparing to leave a place, or people that supposedly care about me. I have a pretty good gauge of people I will remain friends with forever, people that I've tried to reach another level of the relationship onion with and it doesn't happen, and people I haven't tried to and won't try to get closer to. The first group doesn't really suffer in this pattern. They suffer a little, but I'd like to think I'm at a healthy enough place where they're out of danger. The third group probably would agree with me that we don't have the relationship to maintain over hundreds or thousands of miles.

It's the second group that frustrates me. I'm pretty emotionally honest, when prompted and when I feel it's safe. This second group has either seen me very honest with them, sharing some core things, and just haven't responded/reciprocated with their own core. I don't know why. Maybe I really don't feel that safe, so they don't feel safe. Maybe they don't trust me. Maybe it's their own issues and has nothing to do with me. It is at this point in my own pattern where I stop trying. I'm not going to fight with anyone to have two or three months of conversations about people. I'm not going to work to improve a relationship that will not continue past graduation. It's not worth it for me.

I just feel...drained by it all. I don't have the energy to fight these battles AND finish my hours AND graduate AND figure out the rest of my life from here AND maintain the relationships with people who are trying as hard as I am to maintain them. The logical step for me is to drop the thing that isn't important and these battles are not important to me.

In this pattern of mine, I quickly recognize the people that I have a strong connection with and I decide that I'll work to maintain that connection. When I left last time around...only a handful (maybe fewer) of the entire group made the "cut". There were a few I kept up with for a few months, but it seemed to be more of an "out of sight, out of mind" type of experience on both ends. Now, I consistently have some sort of communication with two friends from home. All others...nothing.

When it comes down to it, all people lie. Some people lie about what they want, what they need, or who they really are. I'm pretty good at handling the first two, the last one...I have little patience for. I can tell when people are putting on a show. I can tell when people feign sincerity because they think they should be sincere. Probably because I used to do such a good job of it myself. I still do sometimes.

Like I said...all therapists lie.

This weekend I'll venture to estimate in the thousands of people trying to figure out or "define" the current relationship they are in. Young, and not-so-young, hearts trying to figure out if they want to take that next step, staying in a bad relationship to avoid the pangs of loneliness, desperately seeking someone before Thursday hits, oblivious to the person that has been in their life for a long period of time, or continuing to treasure the people in their lives.

I have decided that Valentine's Day is the New Year's Day of our hearts. It's a time when people renew their efforts to treat their companion they way they should have the past however many years/days/months/weeks and haven't. Some bad relationships will stay because of the efforts of their significant other. Some marriages will find new life and stay together. It's on all ends of the spectrum, at least in my little world that's how I imagine it.

This whole concept of "define the relationship" arose when I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding. For me, the word "bridesmaid" has certain definitions held within it. It tells me that I'll pay for my dress, shoes, etc. It tells me I'll be walking in and standing to support the bride. It tells me I'll help with planning as much as possible. It tells me many things. The trouble arises when definitions of this word are different for each person. I won't claim to be up on recent wedding "lingo" but I attended a wedding last month that included "honorary bridesmaids". These girls were basically friends of the bride that were ushered in before the mother of the bride/groom, not required to pay for dresses, shoes, etc. but still served as support to the bride on her big day.

There are lots of websites that will tell you what is entailed in the duties of a bridesmaid. One of which says "Bridesmaids are usually close friends or family members. When inviting them, make them aware that there are costs involved as well as a time commitment. It is an honor to be asked, but may also be a financial burden. Make friends feel special when you invite them to be part of your wedding.

The number of bridesmaids usually depends on the formality of your wedding, with a dozen being the maximum for any wedding. Girls between 8 and 16 are considered to be junior bridesmaids. Junior bridesmaids are not expected to help with details as much as bridesmaids.
Before the Wedding: Bridesmaids help take care of details for the bride such as running errands, and making table decorations or favors. Bridesmaids usually join the maid of honor in hosting a bridal shower. Bridesmaids attend pre-wedding parties. Bridesmaids attend the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner.

At the Wedding: Bridesmaids walk in the processional and recessional, either single file, two together or with an usher. They stand near the bride during the ceremony. They are in formal photographs of the bridal party.

At the Reception: Bridesmaids pay for their own dresses and other attire. If travel expenses are involved, they pay their own cost involved in getting to the wedding and staying in town during the celebration. Although bridesmaids may attend several pre-wedding parties, only one shower gift and one wedding gift are to be expected. Bridesmaids share the cost of the bridal shower with the maid of honor."

I'll admit, I don't think I was that great of a bridesmaid the last time (or couple times) I served in the honorable position. Another agrees with the previous site by stating: "At the wedding, bridesmaid responsibilities include walking in the processional and recessional. In some weddings, bridesmaids walk single file. In others, they walk in pairs or escorted by an usher. During the ceremony, bridesmaids stand near the bride. Bridesmaids are also included in formal photographs taken of the wedding party."

This site lists responsibilities of a bridesmaid. The difficulty that arises is that I do not live near my sister anymore so participating in planning of parties, showers, etc. are limited. I hardly feel as though I should hold such a place of "honor". I only bring this up because there was a debate about the bridesmaids at this time. Not debate...drama. It has now been resolved, so I can actually use the scenario. :)

There was concern about the number of attendants so there was discussion of having a portion of the attendants be seated instead of standing at the front of the church. In reality, regardless of who was chosen, someone would be offended by the scenario. Especially when they were asked to be a "bridesmaid" instead of an honorary bridesmaid. Which, as I understand it, withdraws the responsibility of buying the dress, shoes, etc. as well as standing at the front of the church, but still requires assistance to the bride in planning, errands, etc.

This whole predicament started me thinking...how many times do we give someone a role but never discuss what that means. At my old job we had a list of position responsibilities. I knew exactly what I was expected to do. I knew whether I was slacking on my job, just by looking at the list. These lists don't exist in relationships. Scratch that, they exist, but they are often unspoken which makes it really difficult to keep yourself in check. Sure, there are parenting books, marriage books, books for teens, kids, etc. but some of them contradict each other and nobody knows which standard is the "gold" standard.

One of the things that we do in pre-marital sessions is to have the couple discuss what they expect the other person to contribute. If you're in a relationship and you expect your significant other to put the shampoo upside-down when it gets low, but they don't know it, every time you get in the shower you'll get upset because it isn't done. Of course, that is a mild, very mild, example. I'm sure that isn't something we cover in pre-marital. We also don't discuss whether each person squeezes from the end or the middle in a tube of toothpaste. The point is, unless you VERBALIZE your expectations and needs, there is no way they will be met on a consistent basis. Sure, in the movies everyone knows the right thing to do. Movies lie. The only reason they know what to do is because some screenwriter told them.

There are some roles that are easy to figure out what you are expected to do. I don't know any of them. In reality, the responsibility of the role depends on whose standard you are using. To me, my mail carrier should take outgoing mail out of my box, but after realizing there's no way to indicate that the mail is outgoing (instead of mail from the day before) I have a pink post-it note to let him know to pick it up. It works well, but only after I am able to communicate that to him/her.

How many of your relationship difficulties are because you don't decide exactly what you want and tell the other person?

I've had a myriad of friends over the years. I'm not one of those people that collects friends like people collect shiny pennies, I'm more of a half-dollar, silver dollar, or two dollar bill kind of girl. They're rare, but still worth something because of their special qualities.

Over the years I have encountered a variety of efforts for improved relationship, sometimes on my part, especially when it came to crushes on boys. *swoon* But even more often than not, I've been on the receiving end of a degree of efforts to improve relationship. I didn't really realize this until I sat down and realized it.

There are lots of things that people don't notice until they notice them. Like noticing one foot is bigger than the other (go ahead and check) or that your ears aren't really symmetrical. You really don't notice it until it happens to you or someone around you.

I'll be the first one to say that I'm picky about my relationships. Now, I mean relationships in the sense of people relating to one another, not "relationships" that would connote opposite sex interaction over an extended period of time. Come to think of it, I'm picky there too, but that's another post. :) I remember people all through my life that I preferred to not interact with.

There were several girls in high school that drove me absolutely batty. I can't really explain what bothered me so much about them, they were just weird to me and I couldn't interact with them because I feared I would get so irritated by them I would explode and it would be ugly. There was one girl in choir that really bothered me. She was in choir with me in 8th grade too. We got paired both in the Alto section. I thought it was cool how we were selected and I was special for being picked, but that girl just drove me up the wall. In high school it was the same story so each year I found myself changing sections (and incidentally, increasing my range) because I didn't want to have to sit next to her in class. Soprano, second-soprano, alto, and even at times, tenor were within my range in high school. All because this girl bothered the fire out of me.

It seemed I was always being paired with people that bothered me because we did this program where we went to the elementary schools to help the teachers. I was glad to finally get accepted, but then I got paired with this girl who was...clueless. My first car accident was when I was a passenger in her car and she backed up in a parking lot and backed into another student from the school. She spent half an hour trying to convince the girl not to call the police even though there was damage and then she said "in all my other wrecks we didn't call the police". Wow.

With all these experiences (I promise these were not the only two) one would think that I might begin to fathom that there may be occasions in which I was the irritating weird girl and people were trying to get away from me. Of course not! I'm witty and smart and...I'm sure there's something else. I was pretty quick to pick up on social cues and know where I wasn't wanted, eventually. Even more, I really didn't prefer the company of others that didn't want me around. No need to "waste my time" in many cases.

This attitude becomes difficult when the relationships that you want to improve are ones that are unavoidable. Ties that hold you together that can and will never be severed. These are the ones where the never-ending frustration arises. I've had my share of these too. Mostly with me wanting more and the other party unwilling, unable, or not even recognizing the need for improvement. For many years I would say that I allowed the majority of the blame to fall on the other parties. They were doing something wrong. They didn't want me around. They only talked to me about the weather. They would only watch TV when I was around and couldn't have a real conversation.

After reading "Bonds That Make Us Free" I realized I might have had a small role in the detriment of certain relationships in my life. I decided it was about time I take ownership of what I had done and admit my errors. A letter was written including my errors, apologies, and desire for change. A letter was mailed (there was definitely a delay between the two). There was no response. Of course, there's always a break before the jury returns with a verdict, so I was content on waiting.

Yesterday I received a phone call from the recipient. Absolutely no mention of the letter. Only conversation about the weather and...that's it. The conversation ended with frustration! No hope for change, growth, improvement, whatever word you want to use. It was pointless.

I realized today that as much as I may want to just cut myself off from the relationship because I don't want to be frustrated with the fact that we don't talk or that when we do talk it's about the weather, I'm glad there is a small degree of relationship there. So, today I'm working on accepting the little that people have to offer. Not wishing for more or less. Allowing for opportunity for more when offered, or invited, but not deciding the result before I receive it.