17 posts tagged “parents”
There are several kinds of intelligence in this world, but I feel that I have met several people without any. I'm not a parent yet, but there are certain parental behaviors that come to me as common sense. I am blown away by how few people possess this common sense about what kids need and the purpose of children.
Last week I was speaking with someone in the community about his first child. His wife is due at the end of the month and the topic of names came up. They haven't agreed upon a name. For me, we've had our name since before we knew the gender. Then I heard his ideas for names and I completely understood why they hadn't agreed on a name. They are having a girl. He started spouting off random names of mountains he wants to ski. He says that he will then be able to have that as a goal.
First of all, can you seriously not have it as a goal to ski at a ski resort without naming your poor daughter after the place? Then, what if she doesn't like to ski (which is inevitable if they name her after a stupid ski resort/mountain)? She'll hate her name for her entire life.
Since when did having kids start being about the parents and not about the kids? I get that adults need to be refreshed and have their own goals and interests. I support that on so many levels. I do not support someone naming their daughter Allie Gator ____ because they think it would be "cool" to call their kid Gator. Poor, poor girl. The dad rationalizes that nobody will know her middle name. Has he ever been in school on the first day of school?! Full names are called out...every year...and then the kid says what they prefer to be called. Kids are mean, why do parents have to give them ammunition?!
Most of my clients are the product of single-parent homes. It's not surprising to me that most of my clients have only mothers in their life. If both parents were involved (or together even) then I'd wager their problems would drop dramatically. Some parents know that and will come to therapy with their kid even though they're divorced (definitely the exception). Others know that two parents are important so they jump into relationships quickly which really just throws off the kid(s) more. What's a surefire way to mess up a kids' ability to attach? Have a new guy move in every six months after having only known him for a couple weeks.
Then the moms call me trying to figure out what is upsetting their kid so much. I should be used to it, but it still upsets me, especially when the kids are the ones suffering. It's not easy to tell a mom that she made bad choices and that is affecting her kids in an adverse manner. Now mom wants to send the kid away to a hospital for evaluation. *sigh*
The kid isn't a bad kid. She says he is, but he is completely capable of containing himself for school. This is not about him, this is about them. She just will say "I'm not a structured person" and leave it at that. Making absolutely no effort to do anything consistently for her kids. No wonder they're driving her crazy, she's doing the same to them!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and of course, love ends up being on the brain. The past few weeks at work have been difficult for a variety of reasons. In short, I have encountered several people that seem difficult to love or really empathize with. I often find myself taking the side of the kids (my clients) and being a little hard on the parents. I don't doubt that will change in the next few years as my child grows up and is sometimes "difficult to love". Maybe then I'll start giving the parents a break every once in a while.
I still encounter people that are difficult to love, but for whatever reason, I know it is how I should respond. When it happens and I succeed, I'm as surprised at my response as the other person. I think it's important to remember that the other person has problems too. If I walked around thinking that I was the only person having difficulty and then I was affronted because someone didn't give my problem the attention I thought they should...I'd never be happy.
Several times we encounter people who appear to be doing little-to-nothing to help themselves out of their problem. In reality, they have been using every tool in their utility belt and are just at a loss for what other options might be available. I am sometimes that person.
This week was a rough week. First of all, because I'm sick. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm certainly not at the top of my game when I'm all congested, coughing, sore throat, and runny nose. Along with that, my patience runs thin. This isn't very helpful in the therapy field. People want to be listened to. When I'm sick, I'm tired of the whining and not doing anything about it. People need to be responded to...I just don't have the energy. Next time, I'll know to just take the day off when I'm sick. I'm certainly not helpful when I'm sick.
In any case, one of my clients had been taken in by parents of a friend. The parents believed they could do a better job than the biological parents (first mistake). After taking him in for around six weeks, they decide they can't put up with him and tell him as he's leaving for school that he isn't coming back to their house (on his birthday, nonetheless). I get a call from the school. They inform me that this kid has threatened suicide, is not welcome where he was staying and now has nowhere to go because his parents sent him away. It was my assignment to intervene. If the child was abandoned, DCFS needed to be contacted. We went, made a report and the caseworker promised they'd have something worked out by the time the kid left school. A series of voice mail messages (I can't answer the phone while in session) told me that mom was picking the kid up and she never said he wasn't welcome in the home.
Of course, I later heard from the mother and she was upset that DCFS had even gotten involved. How dare we think she wouldn't want her child?! My error was in believing the school in their assessment of the situation. The truth of the matter is, the child was convinced his family didn't want him and even if she DID want him, he needed to know that she wanted him. Unfortunately, in my sick brain, I wasn't very helpful (especially when they just drop in without an appointment). Fortunately, my supervisor had time to meet with them and pretty much fixed it in an hour an a half. Thank goodness for the supports I have at work.
Yes, there will be a great deal more work to do with the family over the coming weeks (and months), but sometimes we all just need to find ways to love the people that seem unlovable. Usually when they seem unlovable it's because they don't think they are loved and that is when we need to love them the most.
My job is to work with kids who have behavioral, developmental, social, mood, and/or anxiety problems (I'm sure I'm forgetting something) so I deal a whole lot with kids. Of the 37 families that I have open, I have only one parent who is willing to do therapy for themselves. There are several parents who will come into the sessions, but it seems that their intent in being there is to make sure that their child doesn't report anything "bad" about them.
Today I met a kid who is in his teens. His mother had him then another child from another man before she married. Within the marriage another child was born. When my client was six, his younger half sibling was adopted by his step-father, but not him.
I don't know what came into the mother's mind to make her believe that was a good idea, but it happened and now this teen has been excluded from being a part of the family his entire "family" life.
I have been wondering for the past few weeks, why these people even have children. I have parents who drop their kids with relatives. Parents who hide their kids from DCFS so they can't be taken away. People who would rather use drugs than feed their kids. People who are angry at their kids (when really the kids didn't do anything). Every once in a while I'll run into a person who wants the child that is in their home and they just don't know what to do. Usually, these are the grandparents or foster parents.
So, as far as I can figure, these are the reasons (in no particular order) people have children:
1) They have children because they know/hope (or at least try) they can be a good parent and care for them in the appropriate ways.
2) They have children because they are "supposed" to.
3) They have children because nobody taught them where babies come from.
4) They have children because five minutes of feeling loved is better than nothing.
5) They have children because they believe then someone will love them all the time. (Not true, just in case you were wondering.)
6) They have children (and keep them) because they don't know the option of adoption is available.
7) They have children because their own desires are more important than the quality of their parenting.
8) They have children because they want them and then something happens (death, divorce, abandonment) that they didn't plan on and they don't admit they need help.
9) Children are possessions and how dare someone say they will take them away if I don't do "better" whatever that is.
10) They have children because they are bored and don't know what else to do.
Of course, this is not an exhaustive list. Ideally, everyone that has kids would have them because of the first reason. I don't see any of those families. I feel for these kids. For the kids who are just dealt a bad hand because their parents choose work or friends over having a relationship with their child. Then I have adopted children that are no longer wanted by their adopted parents which is a double rejection. Why people adopt children and change their minds later, I'll never know.
I know it's easier said than done, but I just want these parents to try. I want them to learn to admit that they could be wrong and be willing to change for the sake of their children. Think of someone else for a change.
A few months ago I was charged with the assignment to beef up our "Parenting Library" to comply with a contract for Safe and Stable Families. I was given a budget and created a list. While having this on my mind, I noticed on my friend Dr. Wally's website an offer for free books that he had authored. I had already read one of his books and had no doubt that any project he was associated with would be worth my time.
I wrote in to the e-mail on his site and quickly received a copy of Soft-Spoken Parenting. It took me a couple days to actually start reading because of work and things, but I sat down and read it last weekend. I suppose it was particularly interesting to me because as I read I could picture his mannerisms, facial expressions, and children as he told the stories.
That is not all that is good about this book. I have so many clients (or rather, parents of clients) that I would like to read this book. It is about not losing your temper with your children and the many ways that can be done. While I was reading this book from a therapist's perspective, there were wonderful options at the end of each suggestion. A place to check whether the suggested method was something the reader could do, had done (but not consistently), would not fit them, as well as a place for notes on progress.
I loved how the book invited the reader to evaluate him/herself after each suggestion to think toward action instead of just reading and not doing. Many times, the parents have difficulty owning their part in their child's negative behavior. This book allows a parent to be insightful about themselves without being offensive or blaming. I've always loved Dr. Wally and his ways of teaching and this is just one more way that he gets more points from me. Plus, I was able to save my work a little money. :)
If you think you may speak a little harshly with your children and later regret it, read this book and follow its counsel. I think you'll be amazed at the difference it will make in your homes.
I have a critical eye. I have a few guesses where I got it, but there's no tracing that back. I've had to learn in therapy sessions and in life how to hold my tongue. Not everything I think is helpful, therapeutic, or even kind. If it is in therapy I have to stop myself and think whether my client will benefit from the information. If not, I withhold. In life I try to think whether I would regret having said it, after the fact. But also, does this statement affirm to that person how much I love them?
There are such things as correction that is out of concern for the individual's mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual health. The tone of our own voice will convey this as well as the individual's history with me. If I've habitually given negative feedback on a whim, then they are less likely to take it to heart. This habit has been a difficult one to develop over the years, but probably the most important one I have.
The plan for this week was for myself and my two case managers to travel together to a conference. We had Veterans' Day off and I returned to learn that the 15 month old grandchild of one of my case managers died yesterday. While there are concerns about cancelling reservations for hotel and conference for her, changes of my schedule and plans due to one less travel companion, etc. the main concern was what the family is going through. It brings back memories in my own family when a child was lost. Memories I don't wish on any person or family.
Remembering this only strengthens my resolve to hold my tongue. Words that cannot be taken back are usually the ones you wish you could, especially when that person is gone.
I saw a young man this week. He is away at high school during the week and then goes home only to play video games. He has no relationship with his parents at all. It's these lost kids that need it the most, but nobody sees, so nobody does anything. They continue to criticize and tear down instead of lifting and encouraging. It's amazing that these children survive in such an environment where they feel that nobody cares about them. Then, the day after they take their own life, the parents think of all the things they could have done differently.
I suppose the trick is to notice those things before anything drastic happens and do them, before tomorrow never comes.
I've had this visual image in my head for the past week or so. It is more like a video of a memory. It was day one of our ropes course training for my graduate program. The first high element we did involved partners. My partner and I were to cross a wire 40 feet in the air using ropes that were hanging down from a wire above us. Of course, we were harnessed, belayed, and helmeted in all regulation ways, but taking those steps across are still pretty scary. My partner was one of my best friends in the program and just happened to be a little more scared than I was. I was scared, don't get me wrong, but I just had to focus on getting her through it, that I couldn't think about how much I would be freaking out if I were on my own.
She was hanging onto the tree with both hands and she had to grab the rope I had so I could move to the other rope with my other hand (while still holding on to her with my other. There was no way to stretch the length between ropes without her stepping out onto the wire with me. I got to the point where I told her "I need you to come grab this rope". I knew I couldn't do it without her.
When it was all over, she told me how "good" it was that I told her what I needed. She was able to give me what I needed and we made it across. I'm still not the best at it though. Saying what I need.
Maybe I can recognize it, but asking for it is something I struggle with. At least with people who haven't done a good job of following through in previous experience. I will say that during and following the time of my parents' divorce there were many needs that went un-met, as is the case when everyone is going through something difficult. Since that time, I have been able to distinguish which of my parents would genuinely try to meet my needs and which one expects me to almost come begging before a finger would be lifted.
This dichotomy doesn't make life easier. I finally broke down and told my less than helpful parent all the things I needed and was given a response to the effect of "stop telling me how to be a parent". I still need, but don't expect anything from that direction. I'm still not the best at saying I need something from someone, whether a co-worker or a family member, but I do know which ones will follow through if I work myself up to actually asking.
I am just so appreciative of the people who are willing to meet my needs and don't judge me for needing things. I just wish they all made up for the one that refuses to give anything.
Monday was a rough day. Well, not the day, but my last session was just frustrating in many ways. My client is a 16-year-old whose parents are not in the picture (for various reasons) and the grandparents have taken custody. A very great thing they have done, regardless of their reason. I have had two sessions with them all. This time, the client lied, said they didn't have to come, then came after the grandmother called. After finally getting this kid to show up, within five minutes the grandmother interrupts their comments (which is a constant complaint of my client) and then laughs as something said.
The client gets up and storms out. Grandparents stay. Many different people have told the grandfather to stay out of it, for whatever reason. I'm not sure. From what I can tell, his parenting instincts would be more helpful than hers. Every suggestion I gave the grandmother, she made an excuse. Fired me up.
The final straw was when grandfather came in because he accidentally left his keys and said that he doesn't agree one bit with anything his wife does to parent the client. *sigh*
If I were sixteen and I had someone, anyone, reminding me to brush my teeth every night as though I were a three-year-old, I would look for ways to prove my independence as well. Not helpful at all. I was so upset afterwards. I just wish that they would stop and listen to the kid. If they threaten something, follow through!
I just have to keep thinking that there is hope. Stinkin' parents.
I like kids for the most part. Of course, there are the rare exceptions of other people's kids that tend to be annoying/disobedient/etc. and I will admit that I have difficulty tolerating them. I think that is the most interesting part about my job. Not that I deal with other people's kids, but that I have a history of low tolerance for other people's kids and I am the one expected to help them be better. I suppose the plus is that the kids tend to only act up when the parents are present. One on one, not a problem at all.
I had a parent point that out to me yesterday. She was very confused that her child was a completely different child with the teacher at school than at home with her. Of course, it made sense to me.
I suppose the challenge in this job is...I don't have kids. Yes, I have a degree and some really good feedback on most occasions, but I feel like my lack of children takes a degree of credibility away from me. Earlier this week I presented the 12 Trust Bridges to parents in the community. It was something that I thought would really stress me out and I'd worry about, but in all honesty, I didn't even get nervous. That was almost more weird.
It went well for the most part. A mother of another client kept trying to make herself the exception, which was upsetting. "I'm a single mother and the kids go to bed at this time so I can't spend time with them." It's difficult to work with parents who put their kids to bed at 7:00 because they don't want to deal with them. (Interestingly enough, the same mother who was upset I didn't greet her child on the street a few posts back.)
I talked to another client of mine who is in middle school. She overheard some girls in the bathroom. One of them, a 12-year-old, talking about being worried she was pregnant. Not only that, but that the baby was probably fathered by a guy who could drive and had a van which means...rape because of how young she is. Yet another client told me that night that she is pregnant. Sixteen. Ten possible fathers. Half of whom she doesn't even know their names. My heart breaks for these girls and I'm torn for my role in it all.
Do I teach them how to be good parents? Do I do everything I can to convince them to put up the baby for adoption? Is that unethical? Is it just as unethical for other coworkers to suggest abortion? Or assume that she is keeping it? Poor kids. Poor kids, having kids. It's ridiculous. Where are their parents?! When did parents stop doing their jobs? Or, rather, when will they ever start?
There's this thing I've heard a lot in the past couple of weeks and I heard it again today and it's really on my nerves now. I work with kids, that includes those that are in their teens. I've heard parents and co-workers say "they're a teenager, they are supposed to act that way."
It infuriates me! I don't know why. No, not all teenagers have screaming fights with their parents. No, not all teenagers sneak out and do illegal things. No, not all teenage girls meet up with older, married men to have affairs. THAT is NOT a "teenage" thing. Don't normalize their behavior and don't give them permission or excuses for their behavior as though they have no choice in the matter. UGH!! The next time I hear a parent say it in session, I'm going to say something about it because no, that's not what teenagers do.
Yes, teenagers are trying to establish their independence. Yes, they want to be able to make their own choices. Yes, they are looking to find who they are. BUT they also want parents that still participate and care for them when the time is appropriate. The difficult part is knowing when that time is.
So, to the parents that may never hear it from me, don't excuse your kids for misbehaving just because of their age. Don't excuse your lack of parenting on the fact that you have children that are teenagers. If your child respects you and you have a deep relationship with them I would almost promise you that the concerns of "teenagehood" will be limited for you.
When I started this job I was faced with a decision. There is an aquarium in my office and I was asked whether I wanted to keep it or if I wanted to get rid of it. One of my co-workers graciously offered to help me clean the tank because it was in desperate need of some care. Instead of saying one way or the other, I made a non-decision. It seemed a little too much work to clean it, but it was also a lot of work for someone to take it home. I liked the idea of a fish tank, mostly because those are the easiest animals to have. It has been a month now and I have learned a few things about these fish.
First of all, I thought that I had one Goldfish. Then one day, I saw a black sucker fish stuck in the corner. Soon after I noticed a second fish, a client told me that there were three fish. I never saw the third one, but trusted that the kids would know because they are all very fascinated with the fish tank. The third fish is larger and orange with brown-ish spots. The thing I have noticed most about this fish is that it is skiddish. It will be out of the little "building" in the tank and as soon as I walk in, it will go back and hide.
I feed the fish in the mornings when I arrive. The goldfish is the only one ever to eat. Then I noticed there were two different kinds of food Goldfish food and Tropical Fish food. I didn't think that other fish would ever come eat it, so I never put it in there. I tried it a couple weeks ago and nothing happened. I certainly didn't want to OVER feed the fish. I don't know much about fish, but I know you CAN feed them too much.
The can of goldfish food is small and it's getting empty enough that I can't put my fingers in it to get a pinch. The tropical fish food can is larger and quite easy to manage. I have gotten so accustomed to just tapping the little can on the side and just the right amount coming out.
This morning I saw the tropical fish for a split second before hiding and I decided to feed it with the other food. My laziness and unwillingness to get stinky fish-food fingers brought me to tapping the large can on the side of the aquarium. Not a good idea. The top of the tank was covered in fish food. Certainly, now, my fish will eat it all and be dead when I return on Monday...unless I clean the tank today.
In thinking about how selfish, stupid and lazy this was to let this happen in the first place, I started thinking about my clients and their parents. There are several parents that are just like me. They don't really plan to have kids, but they don't really make an effort to not. Then, the next thing they know, the numbers increase. They offer minimal care and attention to their children. They don't want to do the important things because it takes too much work or then their hands might get dirty. Next they wonder why their children are acting out, misbehaving in school, punching kids, failing classes and just don't show any affection to them.
Most of my parents need to clean the tank. Stop everything they are doing that isn't helping and really work to do the things that are best for their children. Or they could say, "It's too late now" and come back on Monday to find all their fish dead.
I think I'll stick to fish for now.
