4 posts tagged “love”

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and of course, love ends up being on the brain. The past few weeks at work have been difficult for a variety of reasons. In short, I have encountered several people that seem difficult to love or really empathize with. I often find myself taking the side of the kids (my clients) and being a little hard on the parents. I don't doubt that will change in the next few years as my child grows up and is sometimes "difficult to love". Maybe then I'll start giving the parents a break every once in a while.

I still encounter people that are difficult to love, but for whatever reason, I know it is how I should respond. When it happens and I succeed, I'm as surprised at my response as the other person. I think it's important to remember that the other person has problems too. If I walked around thinking that I was the only person having difficulty and then I was affronted because someone didn't give my problem the attention I thought they should...I'd never be happy.

Several times we encounter people who appear to be doing little-to-nothing to help themselves out of their problem. In reality, they have been using every tool in their utility belt and are just at a loss for what other options might be available. I am sometimes that person.

This week was a rough week. First of all, because I'm sick. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm certainly not at the top of my game when I'm all congested, coughing, sore throat, and runny nose. Along with that, my patience runs thin. This isn't very helpful in the therapy field. People want to be listened to. When I'm sick, I'm tired of the whining and not doing anything about it. People need to be responded to...I just don't have the energy. Next time, I'll know to just take the day off when I'm sick. I'm certainly not helpful when I'm sick.

In any case, one of my clients had been taken in by parents of a friend. The parents believed they could do a better job than the biological parents (first mistake). After taking him in for around six weeks, they decide they can't put up with him and tell him as he's leaving for school that he isn't coming back to their house (on his birthday, nonetheless). I get a call from the school. They inform me that this kid has threatened suicide, is not welcome where he was staying and now has nowhere to go because his parents sent him away. It was my assignment to intervene. If the child was abandoned, DCFS needed to be contacted. We went, made a report and the caseworker promised they'd have something worked out by the time the kid left school. A series of voice mail messages (I can't answer the phone while in session) told me that mom was picking the kid up and she never said he wasn't welcome in the home.

Of course, I later heard from the mother and she was upset that DCFS had even gotten involved. How dare we think she wouldn't want her child?! My error was in believing the school in their assessment of the situation. The truth of the matter is, the child was convinced his family didn't want him and even if she DID want him, he needed to know that she wanted him. Unfortunately, in my sick brain, I wasn't very helpful (especially when they just drop in without an appointment). Fortunately, my supervisor had time to meet with them and pretty much fixed it in an hour an a half. Thank goodness for the supports I have at work.

Yes, there will be a great deal more work to do with the family over the coming weeks (and months), but sometimes we all just need to find ways to love the people that seem unlovable. Usually when they seem unlovable it's because they don't think they are loved and that is when we need to love them the most.

In my last Marital Therapy class, my professor referenced the movie Ghost. Specifically, Sam Wheat's response to Molly Jensen's "I love you"s. For those of you who have seen the movie, or more appropriately, remember his response then you may know where I'm going. My professor went on a slight rant about the inappropriateness of the response "Ditto" to anyone using those three key words. He then spoke of situations where his children, specifically his sons, would attempt a phrase such as "you too" to appease him as he told them that he loved them. At the time I laughed because I did much of the same thing to both of my parents when I was a teenager.

I had brushed the discussion off as random and didn't think much about it until yesterday. I was on the phone with my brother when his wife called needing him to help her bring in the groceries. We were saying our goodbyes and our "I love you"s when he called me his wife's name. It was amusing, even more so when he repeated it a few times with considerable effort to emphasize my name. It was just one of those funny things.

Later in the day I was talking online with a friend I haven't seen in a while (or talked to for that matter) and when we were ending the conversation I got the "love ya". Then in another instance with someone else I got a "love you". To me those both seem more like commands or tennis scores than admissions of affection. When people carved into trees so their love would last forever they didn't just put a heart and let people guess who it was about. They would add initials, names, or pet names. They also wouldn't put a heart and just one person's name. What's that supposed to mean anyway? ____ love you. ____love ya. Let's fill that blank with some nouns. Tree love you. TV love you. Car love you. Tennis love you. Milk love you.

It's like saying "I'm sure somebody or something cares about you, but I am not going to be caught admitting it because then there's some obligation included in that." Or "I'll give you the illusion that I care, but in reality you're not really someone I'd like to admit caring about".

I would like to say that, until I was sitting here trying to think of something witty and hurtful that this could mean I have never received these half-confessions as anything less than full ones. Especially when considering the sources.

So the questions are these: Is the flaw in the person who cannot/doesn't say it? Or the person who is willing to accept less than everything? Is there anything wrong with the way we have created shortcuts in order to express as little emotion and vulnerability as possible? (Let me go ahead and answer that one, yes, yes there is.) What can I (being you, okay, and me too, maybe) do to break the cycle? Am I (you again) lying to people when I cannot say the whole phrase? Do I (this is getting old, you) express false emotion in fear of hurting another? Do YOU (I quit this!) remain in relationships hoping that the "feeling" will come, but still say it to maintain the facade?

In any case, say it like you mean it people, ALL of it. In hindsight, I should have saved this post for Singles Awareness Day, but now all you "couples" can do something right. Good luck with that.

One of my clients had me a little paranoid for a while. There is a supervisor that has been in on Tuesday nights and he watched my session with this particular client. Last week, maybe the week before, I walked into the control room and attempted to convince me that my client was "in love" with me.

I'm not sure exactly how that might make you feel, but it certainly made me a little defensive. In session you wouldn't notice. If anything, I played off of it and used it to motivate action (not that this guy wasn't already plenty motivated). Today the supervisor watched the session again and I was relieved to hear him finally admit that my client isn't in love with me.

*whew*

Turns out that he just likes that I'm smart (he believes he has a Learning Disability). Oh, and he thinks I'm seven years younger than I really am. :)

Another good session that didn't record.

There have been two dominant themes in my sex therapy textbook: intimacy and differentiation. Interestingly, they go hand in hand. Intimacy lies not in the "act" but in knowing oneself and disclosing that true self to someone else. It is only through differentiation that you can disclose your true self. Often, people look to others to validate who they are. People go throughout their days seeking affirmation from their employer, friends, parents, spouse, children, TV shows, magazines, etc. Instead of saying "this is who I am, love me" people say "will you love me if I wear the clothes you say, earn the money you think is enough, lose the right amount of weight, have the corner office, or (for me) am a good therapist". This has been something huge that has been going on for me the past few weeks. Remember a little while back when my very first client canceled our session after a particularly terrible (in my opinion) session? I fell apart. I got discouraged. In moments I questioned my fit in the program.

A couple weeks before that, at my internship rotation, one of the boys attempted suicide, or threatened to. We were pretty close. I realized that I was looking forward to seeing him more than the experience at the treatment center. It wasn't anything sketchy like that, just friendly, but it was a rough Monday when I arrived with expectations and they were quickly dashed.

I bake cheesecakes. It is just something I picked up one day and happened to be good at. I tend to bake when I'm stressed or procrastinating, but as mentioned before, it's really a safe way to show affection. When I moved here for school, I was a baking fool. All the time, any excuse. Most often I would share it because I didn't want to eat it all myself (nobody needs to eat an entire cheesecake). When we did ropes course training, my intentions behind these tasty treats were called into question. Questions about whether I thought people would like me if I didn't make the cheesecakes were raised. I immediately threw them out because I knew that wasn't what it was about. The love thing, that was what it was about. The receptionist in the clinic asked me today when I would bring another cheesecake because it has been a while. I told her about my ropes course experience and then my theory. I had to leave to change for a session, but I continued to think about it. If, in fact, cheesecake (or any other baked treats that I've made while here) are my way of showing affection that is safe and often unrejected and I sell cheesecakes...am I prostituting my love? Maybe that's a very skewed way to think, but the chain of logic would lead to that assumption. Often it only takes the request of a treat for me to jump to it and make it. Knowing this now, is it really healthy to freely share my "affections" with little regard to the receiver or whether or not it will be appreciated, accepted, or even reciprocated.

Why do I tell these stories? Today, my first client rescheduled, finally. I was happy, but not because I "need" her to validate me as a good therapist. I know I'm not a good therapist, that's why I'm here to learn. More because I can make things right and apply what I have learned as a result of my mistakes. Therapy isn't about being someone's friend. It isn't about coddling them. It isn't about protecting them from the hard things in life. It is about bringing them to the crucible of life. It is about helping them stare down the things in their crucible and containing it in a healthy way without getting overly involved. I'd like to say that I've got it nailed, but I don't. I'm a few steps closer and that feels nice. Part of being differentiated, to me, is realizing the need for change in yourself. Not to bend to the wishes or standards of other people, but to change to improve and further define who you really are.

The frightening part about that is being away from people who have known "you" for so long that when you really show up they don't know what to do, they won't accept you, and they want you to change back. One day I'll have to be me to the people that think they know me the most. I just hope they can handle it and in that crucible we all grow closer to who we are.