6 posts tagged “first client”
There have been two dominant themes in my sex therapy textbook: intimacy and differentiation. Interestingly, they go hand in hand. Intimacy lies not in the "act" but in knowing oneself and disclosing that true self to someone else. It is only through differentiation that you can disclose your true self. Often, people look to others to validate who they are. People go throughout their days seeking affirmation from their employer, friends, parents, spouse, children, TV shows, magazines, etc. Instead of saying "this is who I am, love me" people say "will you love me if I wear the clothes you say, earn the money you think is enough, lose the right amount of weight, have the corner office, or (for me) am a good therapist". This has been something huge that has been going on for me the past few weeks. Remember a little while back when my very first client canceled our session after a particularly terrible (in my opinion) session? I fell apart. I got discouraged. In moments I questioned my fit in the program.
A couple weeks before that, at my internship rotation, one of the boys attempted suicide, or threatened to. We were pretty close. I realized that I was looking forward to seeing him more than the experience at the treatment center. It wasn't anything sketchy like that, just friendly, but it was a rough Monday when I arrived with expectations and they were quickly dashed.
I bake cheesecakes. It is just something I picked up one day and happened to be good at. I tend to bake when I'm stressed or procrastinating, but as mentioned before, it's really a safe way to show affection. When I moved here for school, I was a baking fool. All the time, any excuse. Most often I would share it because I didn't want to eat it all myself (nobody needs to eat an entire cheesecake). When we did ropes course training, my intentions behind these tasty treats were called into question. Questions about whether I thought people would like me if I didn't make the cheesecakes were raised. I immediately threw them out because I knew that wasn't what it was about. The love thing, that was what it was about. The receptionist in the clinic asked me today when I would bring another cheesecake because it has been a while. I told her about my ropes course experience and then my theory. I had to leave to change for a session, but I continued to think about it. If, in fact, cheesecake (or any other baked treats that I've made while here) are my way of showing affection that is safe and often unrejected and I sell cheesecakes...am I prostituting my love? Maybe that's a very skewed way to think, but the chain of logic would lead to that assumption. Often it only takes the request of a treat for me to jump to it and make it. Knowing this now, is it really healthy to freely share my "affections" with little regard to the receiver or whether or not it will be appreciated, accepted, or even reciprocated.
Why do I tell these stories? Today, my first client rescheduled, finally. I was happy, but not because I "need" her to validate me as a good therapist. I know I'm not a good therapist, that's why I'm here to learn. More because I can make things right and apply what I have learned as a result of my mistakes. Therapy isn't about being someone's friend. It isn't about coddling them. It isn't about protecting them from the hard things in life. It is about bringing them to the crucible of life. It is about helping them stare down the things in their crucible and containing it in a healthy way without getting overly involved. I'd like to say that I've got it nailed, but I don't. I'm a few steps closer and that feels nice. Part of being differentiated, to me, is realizing the need for change in yourself. Not to bend to the wishes or standards of other people, but to change to improve and further define who you really are.
The frightening part about that is being away from people who have known "you" for so long that when you really show up they don't know what to do, they won't accept you, and they want you to change back. One day I'll have to be me to the people that think they know me the most. I just hope they can handle it and in that crucible we all grow closer to who we are.
Tuesday was a monster of a day for me. Two weeks previous I had my eighth or ninth session with my very first client and it was the worst session ever. I realized it soon after and was awaiting our next session two weeks later to make apologies and do better. I should mention that my other clients had also dropped off the face of the earth as well so this was not just my first, but my ONLY client. After class I learned that my client canceled at which I promptly ... cried. I had been waiting and I knew that I had totally screwed it up and I had been kicking myself for two weeks and just wanted to make things right. The woman that runs the whole operation is running the desk this week because the receptionist is on vacation. I stood there and I was like... "Please give me more clients. My last one just canceled (as opposed to rescheduling) and I'm feeling like a failure as a therapist." (With tears in my eyes, no joke.) So, I go home to throw a pity party for myself and then get over it and she calls me about an hour and a half later and tells me that she's scheduled me a 5:00. I compose myself and get up there and she says that she found out afterward that it was a previous client of a second-year and the file was still open and then she told me the name. At which point, I was kicking myself for asking. This client was one of the really complicated clients that I had been watching for a while. I mean, cross-dressing, pot-smoking, threesome-having client. How was I going to help this client?! The session ended up going pretty well, but still, that's what I get for asking.
Today I had another new client. Ordered by the state. Kids taken away, spouse is a meth addict and threw a three month old baby and crushed his skull. Client doesn't see anything I can help them with. Oh yeah, spouse threatened the other kids and my client with an ax. Complicated.
I have another one next week. I'm sure it will be equally dramatic. That's what I get for asking, but it's still nice to have clients. :)
It's also family week at the drug treatment center. It's not really as eventful as the last one, probably because we got to be in an extra day last time, but it's still going well. I look forward to knee-to-knee tomorrow. Several of the guys that were here when I started have graduated (probably six of them) and it is starting to really change the dynamics of the group.
I am pretty tired of Bradford Keeney, Ph.D. these days. We have talked about him in class both days this week and I spent five days with him last week and I will officially say. I am tired of him. Sure, he's had many experiences. Sure, he's super smart, but when it comes down to it, he's just a regular guy that was fortunate enough to study under some of the fledgling Marriage and Family Therapists. He is good because he has been practicing for a long time. I really wouldn't care if I didn't hear too much about him after this week. An experience, but not a life-changing one.
Things today have been very open to me. I keep thinking thoughts about the day. There are days that go by without me writing anything in my little notebook to remind me of things to post here and then there are days like today where I have a whole page of thoughts, or almost thoughts. I will try to satisfy those keywords with actual comments, but I will apologize in advance if I get tired at the end and slack off. :)
Next week is my last week with my co-therapist with my first client. All this week I cannot help but think about the training wheels being taken off my bike. Granted, I never had a bike with training wheels because I swiped the money to buy a bike and it didn't come with training wheels, but I'm only imagining what it would be like to be expected to "fly solo" or do a tightrope without a net or something of equal anxiety. I'm on two ends of the spectrum right now. I'm excited, but very, very freaked out that I won't have anything helpful to say because much of the time I'm building on something my co-therapist has said. I really haven't had the opportunity to be confident in my own thoughts and impressions.
I was able to be on my own with my second client for a few minutes last week and things went well. Unfortunately, due to some logistics, the appointment for this week is cancelled. It is disappointing to lose that client, but a bit of a relief to not have to continue that (different) co-therapy relationship because it was not necessarily working. So, I am back down to one client.
Last week in Supervision with one of my classmates my supervisor brought up my family story. I didn't know why, but I was somewhat upset about it. The more I thought about it, I realized that I like to control the amount of personal information that I share with people. I also like for it to be a balanced sharing of information. If someone is going to know all my "stuff" I expect them to be equally open with me. The fact that there wasn't that balance in the situation was frustrating.
Today, in class, with all my classmates and one new guy and another guy that isn't even in the program, the same supervisor started talking about my family story in front of the entire class. First of all, there was very little context for "outing" me in any way. Not that it was negative or bad, but it was personal and not fof all of the world in that context. To the point that I was frustrated and had to pull my handkerchief out of my bag to keep myself from crying right there. Like I said, it wasn't anything telling, but it still bothered me. I asked him why he felt the need to discuss my family story twice in one week and he said he would answer the question later, but never did. I am sure there is something that he knows about me that he is trying to make me stronger, but I'm certainly not enjoying it at this point. Soon we will be in intercession and all of the mess will come out.
I had my first client for a second time today. :) It went well, although for a portion of the session I felt less like the primary and more like the co-therapist. In two weeks I will be on my own, so we will see how it goes. It was good to be in session though. It is like my own little world with the few citizens at a time that are predicatbly unpredictable.
I have a paper due in a couple hours. I also have to present for five minutes. For a portion of my presentation I was making a cake so around 11:00 last night I realized if I didn't start it then I would be up really late! I took a break about four to sleep until 6:30 and then finish up my paper before my client showed up. I was still sitting in the bean bag, not dressed, at 9:40 and my client was at 10:00! I made it into the control room right behind my co-therapist and then she got buzzed and it was time to go in!
Now I'm just chilling in the classroom until class at 1:00. I need to go find something to eat, but I'm not hungry! I'm really trying to only eat when I'm hungry. Well, off to see the wizard!
Well, I had my first client today. I thought I would be tired, getting in at two in the morning and all, but I wasn't. Thank goodness for 10 am appointments. It went pretty well. I knew she would show up because she made the appointment two weeks ago. There are a lot of things about her that remind me of myself which is weird, but good because then I can help her with things I've had to deal with. Tomorrow is client #2.
Also, my co-therapist acted like she was really impressed with me, so that's a good thing, right? I asked Dr. Moore afterward if he had watched and he said that he didn't because he had a "case". I am pretty glad. In reality, I wasn't even thinking about who might be watching while I was in there and I am glad about that. It was just me and the two girls chatting about real things.
I don't know what I was so worried about.
I'm so behind on updating in here that I keep wanting to not update because I know exactly how much I have to talk about. *sigh*
Today we had our introduction to Milton Erikson. I should be reading "Taproots" but like I said, overwhelmed with the need to update, so here I am. After class the secretary came in and briefed us about the procedure for clients, etc. She also asked us to put our times of availability in our books. It was all very exciting, having our own appointment books, files, etc. At least in a completely freaking out kind of way. I didn't really anticipate having a client this week because I'm the last alphabetically and obviously not the first on the list.
For whatever reason, the guy who usually works the front desk tonight is not here so they needed someone to work. I was happy to volunteer because soon I'll start having clients when I usually work so any extra money is welcome. I hurried down to the Student Center and grabbed some dinner and came back up to the clinic to start work. I only had half an hour between our briefing and work so I had to hurry. I was even more surprised when the receptionist told me that I have a client scheduled for tomorrow!! 4:00.
It will be a long day. Class all day, including my presentation that didn't happen a couple weeks ago, then therapy! *yikes*
Needless to say, I'm not really thinking about all the things I meant to post about because this time tomorrow I will have already had my first client. I was hoping for a little more gap in time, but because I have no life I put myself up pretty open as far as time. I might change the hours later, if this gets to be too much, but I'd like to get the time in now while I'm still not so busy. :)
