4 posts tagged “emotional continuum”
Something that I continue to teach clients is the Emotional Continuum or "Frozen Emotions". It does a great job of
showing how an individual gets to a certain point with how they express or deal with their feelings. It states that there are three possible ways that a person's feelings can be responded to. The feelings are either accepted, rejected, or neglected. I am very familiar with the latter two and examples of each. I can spot these a mile away and I cringe when I see it happening, but it is difficult to know how to teach a person to respond, to give examples and make it easy to understand without insulting the parent (at least in my case).
We (my work) purchased several books for the Parenting Library. I got to choose the books and I added several books that had been recommended, but I hadn't yet read. I've been reading them one by one. The most recent one I started while on my trip and I didn't pick it back up until yesterday. I ended up reading about 75 pages over because I had lost my spot, but it was completely worth it.
This book does exactly what I was needed for the "accepting" part of the Emotional Continuum. It's a pretty great resource for any parent who really doesn't know how to respond to kids appropriately when acknowleding their feelings. It is called "Between Parent and Child" by Haim G. Ginott. It was recently revised and edited by Dr. Alice Ginott and Dr. H. Wallace Goddard. I haven't read the original, so I can't compare, but this one is great!
A couple weeks ago some of my classmates were asking me what makes me angry. Generally I don't get angry about stuff. They didn't believe me. They probably thought it was some of that old "avoidance pattern" stuff where I just block out "all" my anger. I finally found something that makes me angry. And then I found at least one thing that frustrates me.
First we'll address angry. Parents. Not my parents, but parents of my kids at the hospital. Specifically, the ones who make excuses not to see their kids and treat them like they're unimportant wastes of time. I'm about to drop-kick one of the moms. Or at least give her a sound tongue-lashing. I suppose then what really makes me angry is people who don't take into consideration the feelings of people they should love. If that's whittled down into one word it would be...selfishness. In reality, all selfishness doesn't get me as fired up as this one situation, but still.
I suppose the frustrating thing could be construed as something along the vein of selfishness, but I don't think so at all. It more comes down to...people giving up. People who don't fight any more. It seems like a pretty wide spectrum of people, but ... okay maybe it is. I don't know how my parents did it, but all of my siblings (and myself) are hard workers. We don't put our names on shabby jobs of things and enjoy it.
This is probably most frustrating to me because I've been known to do it in the past. Not in regard to tangible things, but more in regard to relationships/friendships. I'll move and unless I know that the friendship goes both ways then I'm not really going to make an effort to maintain a long-distance anything. It becomes even more difficult each time I move because I have a large family and I keep adding good friends and eventually all my time would be spent calling, e-mailing, or writing snail mail to my friends if I really kept touch with them all. I know this about myself.
I have managed to convince myself that this is okay because I make an effort not to be fake about stuff. If I don't like you...I don't hide it. I'll be civil, but I won't be outgoing and bubbly to your face and stab you when you turn around. I'm not that person. Because I'm not that person, I don't accept people as friends who I feel are "that person". Sometimes it takes me longer to realize the facade than others, but there hasn't been a time where I've been tricked when it came to it.
For me, there are no one-sided friendships. I'm not going to pour my heart out to anyone who doesn't feel they can do the same to me. There are times when I see room for improvement on my part and on the other person's part. I know they are holding themselves back and I want to be around when they let themselves go (in a good way). I want to see them reach their potential. The frustrating part is when you see them moving toward that and then...they stop. They refuse to try, to fight, to work for the end goal, to put themselves out there with a risk.
This is the point for me where I lose my steam for watching paint dry. I am reminded of a scene in the movie Gattaca where the two brothers race swimming in a lake and the seemingly "weaker" one always wins. Toward the end of the movie, the brother that loses all the time finally asks how the other wins. He tells him that he doesn't save any energy for the trip back. I feel like these people that are holding back are expecting some sort of safety in putting away some energy for later when in reality it only means that they'll rarely win. Then I find myself mourning for the person they have the potential to be. They will always be frustrated with themselves. Trying to find ways to prove themselves that don't take true risk or effort. The person they could be is frustrated because they are unwilling to take one step on true faith. Instead they take steps other people have set before them, with no thought for ... anything.
I suppose it's so frustrating because I know the difference. I'm not saying that I don't do it anymore, I just don't do it as much. I know how much happier I am on the days that I choose to walk by faith and trust in who I could be and the paths set before me or I have to blaze myself. Doing it is the hard part.
Thursday we talked more about the Emotional Continuum and then went over the relationship onion. As a means of clarification, I'll go over the continuum.
|--------------------|--------------------|-------------------|-------------------|------------------------|
Sorrow
Sadness
Anger
Pleasure
Happiness
Joy
So, those are the six basic emotions on this continuum. If you have an event that is sorrowful, such as a death, then you have three things. You have 1) the sorrow producing event 2) the feeling of sorrow (which is often simultaneous, almost a reflex emotion to the event) and 3) the expression of sorrow (most often tears). If the expression of sorrow is rejected or neglected at home or at school then the individual blocks out the expression of sorrow. Then eventually you block the feeling. Of course, you can't stop the occurrance of the sorrow producing event. So, you have successfully blocked out sorrow. Healthy, right? Nope. You block out sorrow, you automatically block out Joy. Eventually the same thing happens with sadness and happiness and you are frozen at expressing only anger or seeking pleasure. This pleasure seeking is often seen in addictions such as drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc. In order to break this you can't very well produce a sorrowful event, but when you recognize the event in which you felt the greatest Sorrow, sadness, etc. then you can see your spectrum. For example, if your grandparent's death was at an eight on a scale of one to ten, any events more painful you would feel and respond to, but less, you are numb to. That frozen state is counteracted with a joyful event (if we are dealing with sorrow) that exceeds their maximum event. Say, the joy reaches a nine and allows the beginning of the thawing process. Well, that's my short version and not really my reason for posting today.
The second part of class we talked about the "relationship onion". Because this blog is limiting in graphics and I'm too lazy to scan/type something to post, I'm just going to say the layers. There are six levels of communication and relationships.
1) Greetings with an invitation to respond
2) Weather talk
3) Facts
4) Opinion
5) Logistics
6) Deepest hurts, fears, hopes and dreams
Most of these are self explanatory. Greetings are often what you might say to someone you see on the street. "Hello, How are you?" type conversation. Weather talk is just that, unoffensive conversation about weather. Next is facts. "This time last year it was much hotter" or "Alabama won the game this weekend". Opinions and logistics may be transposed, but in this example we put it after opinions. So, opinions is where there is slight risk of them not accepting your view of things. Pretty much about anything, movies, sports, music, whatever. Logistics is basically spending time together or an invitation to go do something social together. "Hey, I'm going to go to this concert/book reading/get some hot chocolate/movie do you want to join me?" Then of course is the last one where you share these deepest hurts, fears, hopes and dreams. In a perfect world, people would have a core-to-core relationship (deepest hurts, fears, hopes and dreams exchanged) with the person they are going to marry before they marry them. Of course, that is not always the case. It should be pointed out that core-to-core is not possible with frozen emotions.
A realization came to me after we were talking about this. I have absolutely no core-to-core relationships. I will say, it is not for lack of trying, but more an overzealous attitude toward the wrong people in an effort to go core-to-core. I have learned that the majority of those that I should share a core-to-core with are unworthy of such a relationship because of the arrows they abundantly distribute while they have access to that core. The core must be earned, not passed out like candy on Halloween and not to just anyone.
This morning in class we had an activity involving balloons. We each had a balloon with the exception of the person in the front of the line. We had to stand front to back, with balloons between us and walk from the classroom, down the stairs, down the hallway, up the stairs, and back to the classroom. Oh yeah, we can't touch the balloon with our hands. If we dropped them, we had to start back at the beginning. It took a pretty good while with some looks from passers-by, but it was a pretty fun experience. Because it took a long time we weren't able to discuss the full application to systems and family, but I am sure it has something to do with feedback and things such as that.
In a plus, because of the time it took, we didn't talk about the reading we were supposed to do. Those of you in my family that saw me will remember a book I carried around for a couple hours with good intentions, but no action? Yeah, I never did get those four chapters read, but he said we'd talk about it next week, so you're lucky! Or, I'm lucky. In any case. I have those four chapters to read, a presentation and ten-page paper due next Monday, several chapters to read and about 30 case studies to diagnose (due tomorrow), with probably more of those due for next Tuesday. I say this because this next week is going to be insanely busy so if I'm away, not posting, I'm not dead, just swimming in the sea that is graduate school.
On a happier note. A on the first test for Moore's class :D Let's keep this up!!
Okay, I finally have my notes in some sort of order and my thoughts, so it may seem random right now, but we'll start with my class on Thursday.
Dr. Hickman said "There is no such thing as a deep relationship without conflict." This statement makes absolute sense! I think back on my friendships in the past. My unconsious (and sometimes consious) "tests" of my friends where we would fight and they would have to push (or I would) to get past it all. In every case we became better friends because of it. The part where this gets interesting is linked to something from class today with Dr. Moore, so I'll come back to it. Honest.
There was also a comment in Dr. Hickman's class where he was talking about Adam's choice to partake of the fruit in The Garden. It seems this is the very first item of conflict between my own beliefs and what those that surround me believe. I sit and listen and think "that can't be right" and have to make a note to go look it up because I know something doesn't fit right. I suppose the luxury lies in having somewhere else to look. If someone else in class doesn't agree, they don't have the Book of Mormon or the teachings of the prophets to go back on, they just have to study it for themselves. Yes, that is a good thing, but how terrible it would be to not be able to find things out for yourselves, with limited resources. It's like having encyclopedias from A-M! Which is just ridiculous! I'm still looking to find where in the scriptures it says that Adam and Eve couldn't have children until the Fall. I know it doesn't mention Eve bearing children until after they are "discovered" but I want to find it, in words. I'll have to go home and look some more. Dr. Hickman commented about how we all would have lived in the Garden if Adam hadn't fallen. I know the former is correct, I just have to find it!
Something else we have talked about in class is the idea of an "emotional continuum". This assumes there is a spectrum of sorts that represents feelings we are capable of feeling at the beginning of life. Joy contrasting sorrow, pleasure and pain, and so forth. The idea is that when we block out the feeling of sorrow or pain, we also block out the opposites of joy and pleasure. Of course this makes sense in the whole "opposition in all things" philosophy and there is a psychological term for it, but I have forgotten. :) I'll look it up. In any case, this leaves people to eventually only be able to express anger and its antithesis (which I also don't remember) in whatever capacity we are feeling, regardless of the true, underlying emotion. The only way we have "permission" or the only way that is accepted by society (the world or the family as a society) is through anger. Teenagers are angry. Abusive people are angry. Sure, they're really in pain. Hurt by the situation or environment, but the only way to express themselves is through anger. The rest are discouraged by the family "society" or other social influences "boys don't cry" or "get over it" when in fact the feelings need to be expressed in order to have a healthy development of all feelings, not just anger. I heard this concept twice the first week of observations and I expect to hear it a great deal over the next two years so when I get the full spectrum down correctly, I'll post it.
A bit of a random thing, but I found out that several of the other members of the program were interviewed by five or six people when I only had Hickman, Rackley, and Moore. I thought that was rough! I am curious what they used to decide who would be there. The girl that interviewed the same day as I got five! Maybe the others weren't there. Maybe they had already made the decision about me before I got in there. Lucky me.
In Dr. Moore's class last week we did a bit of a questionnaire about certain topics that we would always /sometimes /never be willing to discuss with others, some of which were very personal. Following our own participation in the questionnaire he asked which client we would rather have: the always, sometimes, or never client? Do you want someone who will talk about anything with anyone? Do you want someone that will talk about some things with anyone? Or people that make it a habit of not talking to most people about the most personal things? We each went around the room and said which one we would want and there were some that chose always, others that chose sometimes, but only Dr. Moore chose the never, then he explained. When you have a client that says "I've never told anyone this" that means you have made serious progress. You know that a relationship has been made and it opens the door for further progress.
This morning in Dr. Rackley's class we talked for a while and then did an exercise at Harding Park that is called "Pipeline". We all had PVC pipe that had been cut in half, horizontally. We were challenged to get a marble from one tree, through the split in another, and then to another tree. Probably a total of 100 yards or less. After the near 45 minutes of trial and error of the group we succeeded. Then we talked about all the things that happened to help us get to that point. The assumptions of members of the group, how we each interpreted what was going on, etc. Last week we had a similar activity where we all had to stand in the classroom and hold on to a rope, not touching any classmates, and create a square, only through communication. That took a while too! I really enjoy the activities and how he turns them around to apply to the reading. It really helps me to better understand the sometimes very dense readings.
Another thing that we talked about in Dr. Moore's class is searching. We were talking about parables and how the finding of the meaning has signifcance in our own lives. We are challenged to search, to establish our own knowledge of anything and everything that we know. He asked "how do we know what we know?" Some gave the opinions, I was still developing my thought when we moved on. The interesting thing that I came back to is that I know so many people that are unwilling to know anything. They will take the word of their parents, friends, teachers, or significant others instead of finding things out for themselves. Sometimes this is on the topic of religion, politics, music, sports, morality, or anything under the sun. It always bothers me to meet these people. To see them and recognize the constant lack of struggle to grow, to learn, to find. Again, there is no deep relationship without conflict. How can you have a deep relationship with yourself if you haven't fought with what others believe and what you have believed or think you believe?! Sure, I think we all continue to struggle with the question of who we are throughout our lives, but at some point we become set in a pattern. We either take on the knowledge of others or we have our own knowledge and are comfortable with it, in some aspects. I recall a day in class when I was at BYU. We had to do case studies based on the Book of Mormon and then he had us grade ourselves on our efforts. When he came to class the next time he introduced by saying that most people graded themselves right on the nose. Then he asked to see me after class. *gulp* I slowly walked up after class as he was surrounded by much more enthusiastic students than I and he called me out in front of them. He said I graded myself rather low and did I have . . . and he paused . . . looked at my Winnie The Pooh t-shirt and formed a rather confused look on his face. He was about to question my own opinion of my self-worth, but my ability to wear a Winnie The Pooh t-shirt on a college campus seemed to nullify such a question. Of course I didn't have a problem, according to him. I laughed. The issue was not my own esteem, but my judgement of work against my own efforts. Sure, it was an A compared to everyone else, but compared to myself, I had slacked and only earned a B. His knowledge was different from my own, so the grade was different as well.
Dr. Moore asked who in the class was a "bleeding heart" and I (with others) reluctantly raised my hand with my limited definition of such a term. As I sat and listened to his interpretation, I laughed, knowing full well that I am not a bleeding heart in many cases. Sure, I can cry at the drop of a hat, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm a bleeding heart. In most cases, I don't take the excuses of those around me for being the way they are. Their choice to be the way they are. I will call people out if they are being stupid. I do it to Jaime. I did it to Leigh Ann. Because of that, they grow and figure it out and stop making excuses (well, Leigh Ann did at least). During our break I was jokingly referred to as a bleeding heart and I started talking with a classmate about it and realized there is only one case in which I am a bleeding heart. That is when it comes to my family. I'll let you rationalize stupid choices, make excuses for the way you live your life, watch an illogical line of thinking and just leave it alone. Mouth shut. This ties into Dr. Hickman's statement of "there is no deep relationship without conflict." I hate to say it, but for the most part I am not close to most of my family. There are moments, more lately, that have improved our relationships, but as a standard there is the superficial, small chat, let's just hang out and watch TV and forget that there are actual conversations that can happen in families. Ironically, whenever an effort toward change is made I am thrown off, I do not like it, and cannot wait for normalcy, in our family society's definitions, to return. Our homeostatis may not be unhealthy, but most of us are comfortable with it. At least to the point where none of us will say anything about it. Efforts will be made. Sometimes that will trigger a portion of a change, but we soon return to our old habits of ignoring the fact that, like most of us, our parents are frozen on the same emotional continuum that we are, but in different positions. Anger and fear are the dominant ones in my mind. I'm an entity of inaction. I do not act. I do not say things for fear of disrupting the homeostatis that we have maintained for nearly 18 years, or lack thereof. We have all lived different lives and the closest we ever came to talking about it is with Dr. Ketring. For a while, we came together as siblings, surpassing the pain of our parents and coming together in combined support realizing that we all had a hard time through the divorce and came together to let each other understand that it is okay to have pain, to hurt, to cry, to not know what to do as a result. For a while, it worked. We came together, then we lost it. What a shame.
The last thought for the day is the phrase "a bad solution is worse than the problem." Another from Dr. Moore. This is, of course, in reference to therapy but I interpreted it differently. I think of divorce. I think of how bad a solution that is to whatever the problem is. I think the problem lies in some of these many things. Being frozen on this continuum, unable to feel anything but anger and/or fear. Unwilling to search for ourselves, we find someone else to define us and then when you realize what you have done, your way of coping is to separate yourselves from commitments, obligations, responsibilities, and leave to find yourself when the time for yourself was lost years ago. I suppose the one reason it bothers me so much to see people who are unwilling to search themselves is because I see so many of them. They eventually become selfish. They do stupid things, selfish things, and the only thing that can follow is pain, for them and for those around them. It is easier to tell people outside of my "society" that they are screwing up because they are not subject to the same "rules" of our system and it does not break up the homeostasis. One day, I will say everything I think, to everyone. Give me two years. Until then, this is all I can say, for now.
