There is a case I've been working on for the past few months. At first it was two cases and now it is three because there is the one case, then the other case, and the fact that the two parents are dating. Not only are they dating, but the dad is not divorced yet and the mother of my other client moved in the minute they started dating. Needless to say, the kids involved are having trouble adjusting.
I've been wanting to talk to dad about doing family therapy, but haven't really had the chance. Today he came up wanting to talk about scheduling and it ended up being a 45-minute conversation. I invited him to attend family therapy with his two children. He suggested the entire "family" (the other woman and her kid) all meet together and I refused to see them together. There was definitely a different way for me to approach it, but for some reason I felt I needed to be very strong in voicing my concern for these kids. He became defensive when I offered guidance regarding step-families and the speed of this relationship and said "you're not a marriage counselor" to which I responded by pointing at my Marriage and Family Therapy degree and explaining that I, in fact, was trained in marital therapy.
Apparently, I should have told him. That was his only response. I'm not sure when I should have said it. Should I have said "my degree is MFT and so you should listen to every word I say"? In any case, this is not the first time I have had a parent of a client make assumptions about me. I have one mother who expressed to my case manager that I don't have a clue what she deals with because I have a "perfect husband and perfect life". Not to disparage my husband, but in reflecting upon my past and upon the things that all newlyweds struggle with, perfect is not the word I would use to describe either.
Then I wondered about the things that I assume about the parents of my clients. I should assume all parents have their child's best interest at heart. I sometimes forget this and feel the need to defend the kids instead of teaching the parents to defend. There are times that the town leaves me jaded and I assume the worst of the parents. If I get so upset when people act as though they know me when they don't, I'm sure that others feel the same way about my doing it to them.
In my work, I meet several people that appear, at best description, unmotivated for any positive thing in their lives. This is especially frustrating because my creativity in igniting that hope in others is dwindling, if it ever existed in the first place (my creativity, not their hope). I realized this week that much of loss of motivation/hope is within the Avoidance Pattern in the Negotiation Table.
We want/expect/hope/dream of something of a relationship or just something in life. When obstacles occur in getting that thing or reaching that goal we back out. We ignore that obstacle instead of confronting it and overcoming it. We then thoroughly convince ourselves that we don't really care about it, we numb it out. Next, we find something else to occupy our time. Maybe we get swallowed up in work, school, hobbies, etc. Each of these levels of avoidance affect whether we hope for something better, improvement of our situation, etc. and act to change our situation.
If we are not honest with ourselves about the things we want in life and we avoid hope because it protects us from pain then we are stuck, unhappy, and unfulfilled. I don't know many people who aspire to such a life, but I do know many who aspire to nothing and therefore gain such a life.
Today marks a few things. The happier of them is my 10-month-iversary with my current employer. I'm just now feeling settled in. The past few days I feel like I'm actually making a difference which is a nice bright spot with everything going on. With Summer here, I'm not quite as busy. This is good and bad, I think. It is good because I feel like I have more available to invest in the clients that are coming. Bad because I still find myself hesitating to invest a lot of time planning for sessions/groups because I don't think people will really show up. I would really hate to spend two hours making special things for the kids and then none of them showing up. That's discouraging to say the least.
I'm trying to figure out what changed that sent me back to the therapist I was when I was in grad school. Not that I've been terrible the nine months previous, but my confidence and boldness have definitely been hiding out somewhere. I think it's a good difference. I just worry that it will go away when the school year starts and my priorities change when the baby is born. The kids will always be important, but I will have to be consious to make sure mine maintains priority over them.
I'm finding that there are several girls in the area that do not know how to choose themselves over their friends or destructive behavior. Most girls will put themselves in dangerous situations, sacrifice their own self in an effort to be accepted or viewed in a different way. Then, they feel destined to repeat the mistakes of their parents and cannot find the strength to allow themselves to achieve something in spite of their circumstances. Oh, how fulfilling it would be to work with only teenage girls this week. Boys need it too, don't get me wrong, but I'm not as great with them. They need a male role model and I know I'm not that.
My professors told me that all clients are liars. I sometimes forget that, but have been reminding myself to be a skeptic in situations lately. Yesterday I had a client report a rape to me. It wasn't a forced thing, just that she (being underage) had sex with someone much older than she. Her mom gave her an out by convincing her that she felt like she was in a "tight spot" and couldn't say no. I understood for a little bit until I talked to children's services. Apparently there are several investigations about my client having sex with men above her age range. Regardless of whether this guy (the one sitting in jail) would have forced her or not, he's still too old and there's no arguing that. My concern is that several people (it looks like the count is up to five guys) will go to jail because this girl is not safeguarding herself. No, it still doesn't give them permission to take advantage of her. Now I just have to get her to actually be honest with me so I can help her work on the issues that affect her behavior.
To top it off, at the end of our session she asked me about her depression and a birth control shot. Oh how I wish her mother had been there.
