I was sitting at our improvized kitchen table (a.k.a. an end table that doesn't fit in the living room) eating a strawberry and I noticed that these strawberries don't taste like the wonderful strawberry flavor that I LOVE. I laughed at myself and I'll tell you why.
I stopped eating oranges because they never tasted the same. I used to get one amazing orange, eat it, go back to the box for another and be sorely disappointed. I stopped giving oranges the chance to please or displease me. I'm almost as unforgiving of bananas. I used to eat them non-stop (ask my mom!) and then ate one too many and threw them up in the back of my mom's station wagon. I've never faithfully eaten bananas since.
In my thoughts I realized that strawberries and oranges have similar qualities in their ability to meet my expectations, but for some reason oranges get a more strict punishment. Was I just looking for a reason to not eat oranges anymore? Is peeling them too much work? Why do I still eat grapefruit then?
It sounds weird, talking about fruit on a "therapy" blog, but follow me for a bit. I think that's how we are in life. There are some people in our lives that leave a bitter taste in our mouths. Probably more than we would like. At times we continually give the same person chances to redeem themselves (whether they should or not) but on the other side there is someone else who behaves similarly, but can't get a break. What is it that makes that distinction?
On the same fruit vein I got to thinking of something else odd about fruit (for me). I seriously love fruit. I could eat and eat and eat fruit and be happy all day long. I would also prefer a good salad over ... pretty much anything. Oddly enough, these two things are rarely found in my diet. My parents somehow managed to create a love of vegetables and fruit in all the kids. I have no idea how they did it, but I think it's great! In any case, it's interesting how I love to eat fresh, healthy foods, but rarely do it. It's like I know exactly what is best for me, but I find "reasons" not to do it. Sometimes it's about the cost, sometimes it's about convenience, but still never a "good" reason. Now, if I just did the things that I knew were good for me, I may not even be in this predicament.
This is another thing I think many people do. They know what is good for them. They may even enjoy the things that are good for them. Yet they remain stuck on autopilot and do the things that aren't best.
The other day we went to grab something for lunch because we hadn't done grocery shopping. I was in the biggest mood for a great salad, but when we got to the drive-through I ordered my regular "value" meal. Pressure, anxiety, demand for a response and all thinking went out of the window. It takes serious intent to change patterns of behavior, even small ones.
There are several kinds of intelligence in this world, but I feel that I have met several people without any. I'm not a parent yet, but there are certain parental behaviors that come to me as common sense. I am blown away by how few people possess this common sense about what kids need and the purpose of children.
Last week I was speaking with someone in the community about his first child. His wife is due at the end of the month and the topic of names came up. They haven't agreed upon a name. For me, we've had our name since before we knew the gender. Then I heard his ideas for names and I completely understood why they hadn't agreed on a name. They are having a girl. He started spouting off random names of mountains he wants to ski. He says that he will then be able to have that as a goal.
First of all, can you seriously not have it as a goal to ski at a ski resort without naming your poor daughter after the place? Then, what if she doesn't like to ski (which is inevitable if they name her after a stupid ski resort/mountain)? She'll hate her name for her entire life.
Since when did having kids start being about the parents and not about the kids? I get that adults need to be refreshed and have their own goals and interests. I support that on so many levels. I do not support someone naming their daughter Allie Gator ____ because they think it would be "cool" to call their kid Gator. Poor, poor girl. The dad rationalizes that nobody will know her middle name. Has he ever been in school on the first day of school?! Full names are called out...every year...and then the kid says what they prefer to be called. Kids are mean, why do parents have to give them ammunition?!
Most of my clients are the product of single-parent homes. It's not surprising to me that most of my clients have only mothers in their life. If both parents were involved (or together even) then I'd wager their problems would drop dramatically. Some parents know that and will come to therapy with their kid even though they're divorced (definitely the exception). Others know that two parents are important so they jump into relationships quickly which really just throws off the kid(s) more. What's a surefire way to mess up a kids' ability to attach? Have a new guy move in every six months after having only known him for a couple weeks.
Then the moms call me trying to figure out what is upsetting their kid so much. I should be used to it, but it still upsets me, especially when the kids are the ones suffering. It's not easy to tell a mom that she made bad choices and that is affecting her kids in an adverse manner. Now mom wants to send the kid away to a hospital for evaluation. *sigh*
The kid isn't a bad kid. She says he is, but he is completely capable of containing himself for school. This is not about him, this is about them. She just will say "I'm not a structured person" and leave it at that. Making absolutely no effort to do anything consistently for her kids. No wonder they're driving her crazy, she's doing the same to them!
I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but my work recently bought several books for a "parenting library". I got to pick the
books, so I've gotten to read books that I wanted to read without paying for them. It's a sweet deal, really.
Friday I had to be in one place for about three hours so I bought a book along with me called "Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving The Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men" by Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D. I finished it Friday evening and have several thoughts.
First of all, reading a book like this while pregnant just makes me even more paranoid in some areas. For example, one of the influences is "environmental toxins" and he discusses plastic bottles and how they slow male development and speed up female development. I am supposed to drink LOTS of water while pregnant (well, all the time) so I've just been refilling bottles like it's no big deal. I went all paranoid until I found out the kind of bottle that is bad and the kind that I had. *whew*
Other factors are video games, teaching methods, prescription drugs, and devaluation of masculinity. The only one I didn't already know about was the environmental toxins, but it just brought it more home to me. His chapter regarding video games sold me even more on the idea of not allowing violent/MMPORG games in my home. Yes, we have a Wii, but it has been in a box for the past two months with the Nintendo DSs and games and we don't miss it, not one bit.
Boys and girls learn differently. I get that about the teaching methods section. There is specific discussion about the kinds of knowledge we have. There is the familiarity and then the rote knowledge. The example the author uses is that he can bring his daughter to a doctor and he could tell him all about development of children, etc. but if she started crying then the doctor wouldn't know how she prefers to be rocked, etc. because he doesn't know her. Often kids learn on computers these days about tadpoles and frogs, but they haven't put their hands in a creek and seen the tadpoles and frogs in action. This difference affects boys' ability to learn. He talks about all-boy schools, co-ed schools and other methods for being aware of how schooling centered toward female learning affects boys. Unfortunately, not all of us have the luxury of sending our sons to boys schools or home schooling our children. It just isn't realistic for many people, especially in this community. I did get a little more sold on home school though, but that decision is still a few years down the road. I don't even think there is a PTA here, how weird is that?
The next topic is prescription drugs. This is a touchy subject for me. I don't like ADHD and how often it is diagnosed. I don't like medicating kids (or encouraging parents to medicate their kids) but it has happened since working here. With the author's explanation about ADHD symptoms and then medications, I want to unconvince all the parents, teachers, and even our child psychologist about the effectiveness and necessity of these medications.
The final section is in regard to devaluation of masculinity. He talks about how the things that made a man characteristically male are no longer allowed in school. Thirty years ago if you wrote a story about a POW who escaped from prison and had to fight off the Nazis then there wasn't a problem. Now, the kid gets a failing grade and gets a referral to a psychologist for an assessment because of violent tendencies. Boys are not allowed to be "boys" in the schools and even in some homes.
I like the book, although a little overwhelming at times. It made me glad that I still have a little time (or a lot) before I'm responsible for raising a boy in this world these days. There is much to be done and we often wait for someone else to do something when we are the ones responsible for taking action for our kids.
Loss is a part of life. We lose keys, friendships, stability, trust, confidence, loved ones, hope, and sometimes our minds. This town gets its fair share of loss and this week has been a week where people are dropping like flies.
Thursday last week, the boyfriend of a client hit a light pole and died. He was drunk.
Sunday a guy overdosed on drugs.
This morning a little girl found her mother dead before the last day of school. Cause of death unknown.
In thinking about these scenarios it struck me yesterday as I was talking with a group of kids about the guy who overdosed that very few people know how to respond to loss and grief. Even fewer actually allow themselves to grieve.
It's sad to think about. I cannot help but think about the mother of person who overdosed. She has suffered a great deal of loss in her life. A grandfather, brother, daughter and son all committed suicide. A sister and her last son overdosed on drugs. And her husband died in a car accident just a few months ago. I would even have to admit that if I had lost that many people I could not predict how I would get out of bed each morning. The community has been rocked by the tragedies of this family. This woman...will not talk about it.
I hate it for her and the rest of her family. She has two remaining children from a previous marriage and a niece of whom she has custody. The niece will also not talk about it. I can't help but believe that this pattern of not grieving has the potential for serious emotional ramifications.
This need to be "okay" all the time and appear to have it together can tear people apart.
There are other families that claim to believe certain things, but are more focused on appearing to be doing things right instead of actually doing them. It's quite frustrating. Especially when the kids are the ones suffering.
Admit that you make mistakes. The fact that so few in the world are allowed to have bad days or make a wrong choice is so sad. Parents walk into my office with their fake shield up and will not admit they have anything to do with how their child interacts with them. Then I'm supposed to put together a 1,000 piece puzzle with only two pieces.
At least I'm learning how to read whether they're being honest or not. The kids help with that as well.
