The majority of this week has been very...nostalgic for me. At the beginning of the week, my youngest sister suggested we only listen to music by one artist (predetermined). This artist was the first concert I ever attended and I brought my sister along the next time I saw him. Since then, I have seen him in concert every year with the exception of the past two. His music was the theme to many car rides and concert experiences between the two of us. The songs reached us on levels that few artists can. I still follow his career and buy the new CDs or DVDs on release dates, etc. but since getting married, my music listening has dropped, for whatever reason.
In any case, she suggested this week and I was happy to do whatever I can with her, even if she is very far away. It has had a very interesting effect on me. I find myself not only surveying the person I was during those years, but also motivated to return to some of those habits. I have been quite busy working and doing the monotonous tasks of the day that the pieces of me that made "me" have started fading into the background.
Last night my husband and I were having a conversation about the baby. "I hope the baby gets your brains and my creativity." he said. I was a little offended and made sure that he knew that I too was creative. He wanted an explanation of all the ways I was creative. Not because he didn't believe me, but because he had never seen it. It's somewhat laughable at how much he still doesn't know about me. Probably my own fault. I pulled out my portfolio from my art class back several years and showed him my drawings. I think we were both surprised at them. I had forgotten how much I liked to and was good at drawing. He had no idea I could even draw, haha.
Recently there have been conversations about finding oneself surrounding me. Either at work with clients or at home just as conversation. I've been pretty solid in who I am for a while. Typically very uncompromising in some areas (which can be good or bad). I thought I had done a pretty good job of figuring out who I was and the things that are/were important to me. Now I think the struggle is to remain that person or return to that person. Yes, I know the things I enjoy, the things that excite me and the things that make me feel renewed. How often do I do those things?
I didn't expect this introspection just as a result of listening to one artist all week, but it has happened. Maybe it has nothing to do with the artist. Maybe it is just that I am back to listening to music. Back to doing just one thing that I love and it brings me back to other things that I used to love. I still have until Monday to listen, but I'm already on the way back to myself.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and of course, love ends up being on the brain. The past few weeks at work have been difficult for a variety of reasons. In short, I have encountered several people that seem difficult to love or really empathize with. I often find myself taking the side of the kids (my clients) and being a little hard on the parents. I don't doubt that will change in the next few years as my child grows up and is sometimes "difficult to love". Maybe then I'll start giving the parents a break every once in a while.
I still encounter people that are difficult to love, but for whatever reason, I know it is how I should respond. When it happens and I succeed, I'm as surprised at my response as the other person. I think it's important to remember that the other person has problems too. If I walked around thinking that I was the only person having difficulty and then I was affronted because someone didn't give my problem the attention I thought they should...I'd never be happy.
Several times we encounter people who appear to be doing little-to-nothing to help themselves out of their problem. In reality, they have been using every tool in their utility belt and are just at a loss for what other options might be available. I am sometimes that person.
This week was a rough week. First of all, because I'm sick. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm certainly not at the top of my game when I'm all congested, coughing, sore throat, and runny nose. Along with that, my patience runs thin. This isn't very helpful in the therapy field. People want to be listened to. When I'm sick, I'm tired of the whining and not doing anything about it. People need to be responded to...I just don't have the energy. Next time, I'll know to just take the day off when I'm sick. I'm certainly not helpful when I'm sick.
In any case, one of my clients had been taken in by parents of a friend. The parents believed they could do a better job than the biological parents (first mistake). After taking him in for around six weeks, they decide they can't put up with him and tell him as he's leaving for school that he isn't coming back to their house (on his birthday, nonetheless). I get a call from the school. They inform me that this kid has threatened suicide, is not welcome where he was staying and now has nowhere to go because his parents sent him away. It was my assignment to intervene. If the child was abandoned, DCFS needed to be contacted. We went, made a report and the caseworker promised they'd have something worked out by the time the kid left school. A series of voice mail messages (I can't answer the phone while in session) told me that mom was picking the kid up and she never said he wasn't welcome in the home.
Of course, I later heard from the mother and she was upset that DCFS had even gotten involved. How dare we think she wouldn't want her child?! My error was in believing the school in their assessment of the situation. The truth of the matter is, the child was convinced his family didn't want him and even if she DID want him, he needed to know that she wanted him. Unfortunately, in my sick brain, I wasn't very helpful (especially when they just drop in without an appointment). Fortunately, my supervisor had time to meet with them and pretty much fixed it in an hour an a half. Thank goodness for the supports I have at work.
Yes, there will be a great deal more work to do with the family over the coming weeks (and months), but sometimes we all just need to find ways to love the people that seem unlovable. Usually when they seem unlovable it's because they don't think they are loved and that is when we need to love them the most.
My sister-in-law has been ranting about kids who get married and move back in with parents and "mooch" off of them instead of struggling and growing together. I keep wanting to comment on her blog, but I knew that it would turn into something longer than a comment, so I figured I'd just post about it.
Now, I don't know how many of you have done this, either as parent or child, but I agree with my sister-in-law. There are many people who go through life doing anything possible to avoid hard things. Remember, the easy way is the hard way and the hard way is the easy way. To challenge yourself and survive builds confidence and a muscle to be willing to approach more challenges. To run from challenges deprives you of the opportunity to grow, to be stronger, to do the things that will make you closer to your true self than anything else.
Plus, there are so many children growing up right now that are entitled. They get what they want, when they want it. There is no delayed gratification and often the parents do not teach the kids how to save, to wait, to work for the things they want. Instead the kids grow up, get married and expect the same luxuries they enjoyed growing up instantly. I'm sure there are many parents who have stories about eating beans and rice on a milk crate as their table. So, the kids are a little spoiled and like it that way.
The parents...I don't know where to start. There is a difference between helping a child in a tough spot (like divorce) and enabling their irresponsibility. If your kids can pay their cell phone bill, eat out every other night, and have many luxuries while you're footing the bill for the basics, they could make it, they just don't want to. It's like cutting open a cocoon so the butterfly can get out. If the butterfly doesn't emerge on its own, the wings will not be strong enough to fly. I think there are some parents that need their kids around to fill some emptiness within themselves. Often this happens when there has been marital conflict and mom always checked out to the kids and when the kids are gone she realizes her identity is gone so she is happy to welcome the kids back. Then there are the parents that doubt what they've taught their kids. They don't want to watch their kids struggle or fail because it is their fault that the kids don't know how to survive. It's a sad thing.
While being far from family for us is difficult at times, I know that it helps to have to stand on our own feet and know that we can do it. I've done it on my own plenty of times, but doing with a spouse changes things, somehow. :) I wouldn't have it any other way.
