Running errands for/with others has been typical fare during my break from school. I can't really explain why I don't have errands of my own to run, but I'd like to think most of it is because I was well prepared and got everything done early instead of the more obvious (and depressing) reason...I have no life.
Today I was off to pick up my youngest sister from work. The back route allows for less traffic and a great view of some really nice houses. In all honesty, I cannot say that in the hundreds, if not thousands, of times I have driven/ridden down this particular road I have looked very hard at any of the houses. Sure, they're there and sometimes they're decorated nicely, but the details of the houses rarely strike me. I stopped at one of the many stop signs on the road and looked to the left to see a house on the corner of an adjoining street.
This house seemed pretty large. At least three levels. The enclosed back porch proudly displayed their Christmas tree and other festive decorations. Then the driveway exhibited at least four cars and a rather new Recreational Vehicle. With all the things I was doing in that moment, I managed to have a thought that I didn't expect, but made me chuckle nonetheless. "I wonder how much debt they have." A seemingly random thought, right? As I continued down the road I imagined each of the houses I passed with diagrams reminiscent of Stranger Than Fiction with labels popping up with the amount of debt in each household. Then I wondered how much that one road alone totaled in debt.
Now I'm far from a financial adviser in any sense of the word, but in my younger years I was fully aware of the tension every time the phone would ring. The ridiculous credit card purchases that I "needed". Things such as that. I don't think I can fully describe how determined I am to never be that person again. Sure, it was fun while it lasted, but still stupid.
One of my professors gives us a history lesson about overindulgence. During the Depression you weren't allowed to cry or whine about someone at school hurting your feelings because you didn't have food on the table. Following the Depression men spelled love P-R-O-V-I-D-E and wanted their kids to have everything they didn't. With every generation this becomes added upon to the point that there are kids that are too lazy to have a budget and stick to it, move out of their parents' house, wait to buy something they want instead of buying it on credit.
It probably seems a little odd, someone who is living off of student loans preaching all the anti-debt mumbo jumbo that is thrown around. I just remember how unhappy I was, knowing that everything I did, everything I earned was for someone else. It was miserable! Then, giving someone else that power in my life is even worse! Even worse is being the lender.
In high school we had to memorize quotes every year based upon what we were studying. In my senior year I had to memorize a speech from "Hamlet". The end of the quote was one I recall stumbling over more than once, but now...it is still hard, so I Googled it. :)
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
There's wisdom in the quote, but at the same time I almost want to take issue with it. I agree, don't borrow, don't lend. Then comes the admonition "to thine own self be true" and I think about a conversation with a friend the other night/morning as she was frustrated with the selfishness of those around her. Where is the line between being true to ourselves and being selfish brats?
I have friends where this is a huge issue and it's sad really. There are parents that I know that treat one child like they are the goose that lays the golden egg and the other is...the dirt under their feet. Hmmm, I wonder where the adults that think they "deserve" everything come from? The ones who don't know how to wait to earn the money to buy luxuries instead of necessities? The ones in hundreds or even thousands of dollars in debt who will not stick to a budget? Or the parents who try to "help" their kids by giving them money and bailing them out?
I'm not against family helping family by any measure of the phrase, but I think, like the line between selfishness and true to ourselves, the line is thin. You have kids that have kids. If they don't save/spend wisely then the grandkids will suffer. I get the need to make sure the kids aren't neglected. You care, you want to help, it's not a bad thing. The rotten part is that you are now enabling your child to remain lazy and irresponsible. It's almost like you are being manipulated into raising your kids until they are 40 (or older).
No wonder the marriage age has raised in the past years. Kids used to marry at 16 in order to pull their own weight and help out by either working hard or making it so there was one less mouth to feed.
A couple weeks ago I was meeting with a client. My client's sister-in-law grew up in a terrible home environment. Both parents were drug addicts and she became one as well. Although immature in many ways she took the initiative and got her tubes tied. I know it's hard to hear for some, especially those who want kids so badly, but this woman knew that she would not be a good parent. She didn't want kids growing up the way she did and she took action. She wasn't lazy about it, she didn't have the kid so her mom would have to sober up and raise it, she did what she felt she needed to do.
I'm not out to sterilize the potentially unfit parents and I'm not out to pass out babies to parents who pass a test of worthiness. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes people are blessed through other people's mistakes, but my question is...when will a child learn responsibility if they are never in a situation where they are forced to be responsible? If there is no struggle to survive...are they really living?
I subscribe to a couple websites through Google's great Google Reader application that is free with any gmail account. One of the websites I follow had a link to this article today. It amazes me that people can be mean in either end of the spectrum. *shrugs*
Good advice though!
I have a client that is a single mother of one. My co-therapists and I have decided that we need to teach her how to be a mother. Granted, none of us are actually mothers. Two dads, no mothers. It's really difficult to tell mothers that they aren't doing their job right. I watched a session shortly before my session of a mother and a daughter. The daughter is about twelve and could enunciate everything that her mother was doing that was hurting her, physically and emotionally. The daughter could tell her what she needs from her mother and her mother just said her tears were an effort to manipulate her into getting what she wanted. I wanted to cry for the girl and beat the mom across the head. She wasn't getting it. Her daughter was telling her exactly what to do and what not to do and her mom could only call her names, cuss at her, and call her a liar. It hurt to watch that session and it made me grateful for my less angry clients.
My mother/daughter combination is the technical fifth of its kind. A teenage/pre-teen girl with a mom, usually both in distress over something. This girl doesn't say what she needs from her mom. She won't either. She has no discipline, no boundaries, and all the power. Part of me feels bad, calling the mom out for her slack parenting, but the other part thinks...she's only got one kid! Then she complains about it. Sure, she doesn't complain much in front of the girl, but she has gotten close and indirect about it enough so, knowing the way the girl thinks, she hears it the worst way possible.
Some parents.
The semester is officially over. Sure, I still have seven clients to finish out the week and supervision and clients throughout the break, but my final is turned in and all is "well".
I've had a rant going on in my head the past couple weeks and I suppose it's about time to let it out. There is a poster display in the lobby of the MFT building that talks about helping the children of Haiti or something to that effect. It has photographs of dirt floors, dirty faces, etc. But the faces were smiling. So, who are we to think that we need to make other people's lives "better"?! Just because they don't have a Xbox or internet access they are unhappy?!
I'll be the first to admit that I'd get more done if I didn't have the distractions of technology. If all I had around me were my friends and my family then I might be a little more appreciative of the small things in life instead of expecting the best or feeling I deserved certain treatment just because of how I grew up.
I think the world would be a better place if we maintained a degree of the lifestyle held by those in third-world countries. Yes, we have freedom, let's keep that. I'm not even complaining about beds or clean clothes or anything like that. I'll admit that even as a poor college student, I am blessed. I would even venture to say that there are some who are in debt up to their ears with things that they think they "need" or "deserve" without taking one moment to recognize the blessings that flow as a result of our industrialized society.
I suppose it just upsets me that there are people out there on a mission to make people's lives better with "stuff" when it really isn't about stuff at all. I wonder if anyone will ever get it.
I've been up for the past two hours reading The Family Crucible. I decided that the day would be better spent getting my project done and I'll spend three days next week at my internship since I don't have class. It's great that they're so flexible with us lowly interns. :)
In reading this book I'm becoming a little more frustrated with some of my clients. I have a tendency to somehow turn individual sessions into couple/family sessions. It is hardly intentional, but it happens nonetheless. It's a running joke, especially now that I'm considerably short on individual hours. The frustration for me lies within the individual sessions, especially while reading this book. It's quite good. I'm an advocate of family therapy. I mean, why else would I be getting my degree in Marriage and Family Therapy?! In any case, the individual ones are difficult often because the spouses/family won't come in or the client doesn't want them there. I think the hardest one for me right now is the guy who is single and older. There is no network of people, no patterns that I can bring into the room. He resists questions, maintains a vagueness, and makes it difficult to get anywhere in session. Of course, it is in response to some pattern that lies outside the therapy room, but he's in his mid40s with no family relationships to speak of. The things I see as the biggest factors influencing him, he tells me not to ask him about. That doesn't stop me, but he has mastered the skill of distracting me.
I almost would do better to see him the day after I see him just because that is when all my thoughts come...after the session. He doesn't need twice-a-week therapy though. Not many people do. I just have to remember to write it down for next time.
In any case, I've got to finish this book and get my rear in gear if I'm going to get any sleep tonight.
I do not know why I continue to forget how much I love reading a book in one sitting! There are so many books that I could have read if I took advantage of the 4-5 hours I have free in the evenings and actually read instead of doing things...less productive.
Obviously, I just finished a book. When I got up today I was discouraged. I intended to be up relatively early, but still sleep in. This meant when I automatically woke at 10:00 I should have stayed awake instead of enjoying the warmth underneath my two quilts. Actually waking up close to noon left me discouraged being fully aware of the list of things I needed to do before next Friday.
I let it stick for a while. Watched a show online. Then I decided I should get something done. I started cleaning parts of my apartment, but then had a small realization. You see I have had a rule so far back that I cannot remember when I started it. I think I started it as an excuse to not do homework, but it is a tried and tested method for me. No homework on Sunday. While I made attempts at various times during my youth to convince my mother that doing chores and cleaning on Sunday also qualified as breaking the Sabbath, she never budged. I decided that the voice in my mind that told me the apartment had to be clean before I did any homework was a liar and a thief. I made a short list in my mind of all the things I have to do during the week of finals or have ready by then and grabbed the first thing on the list. Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover.
It's an assignment for our Marital Therapy class. Read it and write seven paragraphs (one on each baby step) and turn it in. Easy final, right? Considering my reputation for being a fast reader, I haven't been reading much lately.
As a college student I'm not in quite the dire situation as many people addressed in the book, anymore. I'll admit, I had stupid affairs with credit cards when I was younger. I could have used my income and student loans in better ways, but fortunately I still have time to use my future loans more wisely.
I was fortunate enough to be in a car accident a few years ago. Lots of medical bills and my job at the time allowed for a considerable (for a college student swimming in debt) settlement and I paid off all my debt excluding my student loans. To be able to smile as I read about no credit cards and living like no one else was a good feeling, I'll admit. I have my slip-ups every once in a while. I'll buy something stupid and kick myself months later when I'm eating Ramen for the first time in years. But I'd rather eat Ramen than get sucked into ever having a credit card again. He says "Live like no one else, so you can live like no one else."
I love it! Sure, my TV was manufactured the year I was born. I don't have cable, dish, whatever. I haven't paid to see a movie in months. (If anyone knew me, they would know how difficult that is!)
In any case, I'm all systems go on this TMMO stuff! Sure, I'll have considerable loans when I finally finish school, but it makes me excited to have a job! There is a goal outside of college! It's not just boredom and monotonous days ahead. Of course, as a therapist you won't really have a boring or monotonous day, but there is a high burnout rate.
I could go over all the "Baby Steps" and teach you everything, but I wouldn't say it quite as pointedly as Dave, so just buy the book, shave your head and drink his Kool-Aid. It'll be worth it, I'm sure!
Instead I found myself trying to apply his steps to other areas of life. Throughout the book he compared financial fitness to reaching physical fitness. What about other areas of fitness? Emotional? Spiritual? Mental? Intellectual? Social? Of course, I'm just brainstorming and needing it primarily for myself, but what are things you do daily? weekly? monthly? yearly? that keep you fit in any (or all) of these ways? If you don't do them then your day isn't quite as good as it could be. Do tell!
I just noticed the Amazon one is "Revised & Updated". I wonder what that is? Probably the projections for the years and not much else. I wonder who gets duped into buying one of those when they have the original. In any case, the copy I have isn't mine so I'll have to invest in one eventually.
I was scheduled to have a 6,7,& 8 tonight. My 6 was changed to 5. My 8 showed up at 6 and my seven...well...drama.
It was a frustrating night. I've been seeing my 8 for a while and we get along well, but I'm missing something and we're both getting frustrated. I was especially impatient today when I sprinted out of my 6 into my 7.
My 7 I saw for the first time last week. Unmarried couple. Living together. He's a recovering addict (for the past two months) and has three kids from a previous marriage. The woman was openly angry with him last week. They walk in and tell me that they've broken up. I get the scoop about "why" they broke up (and she's still there). Then she tells me that he has until a certain date, several days in the future, to create a plan to move out. I (stupidly) ask why he gets this time instead of right now. I don't know what my thought was. I suppose I meant it to be more of an attempt to draw out the positives and the reasons/ways she cared about him. It was taken the wrong way (most likely delivered improperly) and she said she didn't know and asked him if he could move out that night. She grabbed her purse, stood up and that was that. Four minutes and three seconds of the crappiest therapy I've ever done.
I feel bad for the guy too. Last week we assigned him to come up with a plan. He had his homework in hand, ready to go. He looked as though he actually put some effort into getting dressed. His shirt was pressed and tucked in. Much more put together than last week. He really was trying. She was tired of it. Sure, they weren't married. Sure, they didn't need to be together, but I can't help but feel like crap about it. I mean, where will he live? Will he relapse? Will he be able to support his kids on the weekends that he has them? Will he overdose? I still wish I could have done it differently. Very, very differently.
Who knew four minutes could make such a difference?
Recently our town welcomed the addition of a chocolate shop. It is the first of it's kind in the area and I'm fortunate enough to know the owner and was invited to the shop to sample the goods. I finally made time to visit this past week and I was impressed and amused. Impressed by the creativity yet simplicity of the rooms and displays. Amused by the first visitor in pursuit of a "Dolly Parton chocolate lollipop" for a new member of their bike (meaning motorcycle of course) club. Unfortunately, for him, this particular shop is not that kind of shop.
I tasted a few of the items, Cashew Cheesecake Truffles, Bittersweet Truffles, Chocolate Souffle, their take on an Almond Rocha, etc. The thing that amazed me most about this quaint store right off Main Street was that I couldn't really tell I was eating "chocolate". The snap in my brain that happens when I eat, say, a handful of chocolate chips was absent from the experience. At first I didn't realize what was missing. The flavors were so subtle and smooth that my concentration was on what I put in my mouth and not how my brain was reacting. It was a definitively unfamiliar experience, but I liked it. Best of all, I didn't need to eat more. It was good, but I could stop. Probably the biggest difference of the entire occasion.
After having sampled the goods and speaking with the owners for nearly two hours I returned to the clinic with full ability to recommend the store I had been talking about visiting for too long. I shared some of what the owners sent with me. Agreement across the board regarding the quality of chocolate validated my experience at the shop.
The next day I expressed apologies to the woman in charge of the clinic for her absence when I was sharing. She responded with her own experience with the chocolate at the shop. Quite different from my own. I was taken aback, to say the least. How could anyone who keeps Snickers, Butterfingers, and the like stocked in the clinic choose that over this chocolate?!
I have been noticing lately how much my school schedule has affected my previously-learned nutrition habits. I have been back to one meal a day for a while and it's taking its toll. In an effort to actually eat breakfast I made some oatmeal and added blueberries. I should state for the record that I really don't like oatmeal. I'm sure you've heard that before, but seriously I'm not a fan. Well, not unless it's smothered in brown sugar and butter, but I was opting for the healthier option. Straight oatmeal, straight fruit. Straight nasty! Sure, I cleaned my plate like any well-brainwashed kid would do, but I certainly cannot say that I enjoyed it.
There are only a few things that I really don't like to eat (lima beans, garbanzo beans, black-eyed peas, and oatmeal cover most of that) but I've never been to the point where I'll starve to avoid them. I'll eat them, they're just not my first choice. I don't know how my parents did it, but of all the kids only one is a somewhat picky eater. We eat, and even prefer, vegetables on a regular basis to the point that I don't even believe in all the stories I hear about kids not eating their vegetables from movies, television and friends.
It was after the oatmeal experience today that I found myself reflecting upon my own chocolate experience and the comments of woman at the clinic. Pure chocolate, the real stuff, doesn't have sugar added to it. The lady at the shop calls all that commercialized chocolate "junk chocolate". The interesting thing about sugar is that it initiates a chemical release within the brain (hence my pop) and alters the brain chemistry so much so that you "need" more to replicate the same high. If you are accustomed to this "high" then why would something that doesn't provide that high be of any interest to you at all?! Of course she didn't like the chocolate because it doesn't create the same high as "junk" chocolate.
There are several things in life which can make us high. Chocolate, drugs, food, exercise, video games, life, and the list goes on. What if eating went back to being a renewal of energy for your body and not something that put you in a drug-induced coma? When it comes down to it, everyone is addicted to something. The high is a great high, regardless of your drug of choice. But it's also true that addiction can kill you.
There is a video we watched last year in class of a famous therapist doing family therapy. The mother was obese and the therapist asked how long she had been trying to kill herself slowly. If such a large percentage of Americans are obese, are they all slowly killing themselves? What is everyone so miserable about? Is it our culture? Is it how we were all raised? Or do we all just like to get high?
In one of my sessions yesterday I quoted a quote that I have all over my apartment. "To be successful you must decide exactly what you want to accomplish, then resolve to pay the price to get it." (Bunker Hunt) I found it a few years ago when I had to find some quotes that I found "inspirational" for a work thing. Since that time I have had it taped to my computer monitor (at least) and now it is all over my apartment on mirrors, by my DVD player, on my fridge, etc.
It popped into my head as I was contemplating firing my clients that evening. This particular couple got me to commit to helping them through it all, but has completely failed to put any effort into the homework I've given them. Otherwise, I'm doing all the work. Not my idea of therapy unless I'm the client. I was pretty fed up and the woman came in just talking and talking. She paused and said she was going to talk the entire time unless I had something to say to which I wrote that quote on the whiteboard.
There are several people I have met (self included) that say they are going to be better at something, to meet a goal, but they keep it so vague that there is no way to measure progress and the goal becomes forgotten and it ends up making the individual (or couple) feel like a failure because they cannot even trust themselves to keep a commitment to themselves.
Another session completely I have with a young woman. Following our first session I talked with my case manager and told him that even though my client hadn't disclosed it to me I knew that the girl had been sexually abused by her step-father. This past week she finally disclosed that to me and I found myself in an interesting train of thought. Many victims of rape or abuse believe that people can see the "filth" of the abuse on them. They shower multiple times and are convinced that everyone knows what happened when in reality, they don't. I really cannot walk into a supermarket and pick out the people that have suffered certain traumas and I don't think anyone else can. The fact that I did know before she told me was odd to me. I don't feel like I can tell my client because then it proves those fears right in her. Thinking back on the session, I know why I knew, but that doesn't make it any easier to explain. So, is there really something that those who have suffered traumas such as that send out to others? Some kind of vibe? Attitude? Anything?
I was walking to class the other day and thinking (a frequent occurance). I began thinking of the emotional continuum and the idea of have one's emotions rejected or neglected. There have been times in my life where I have shared something very close to me and others don't take as much care with the information as I expect them to. I wondered about that within myself and I realized that several of the things that I treasure, that are really important to me, or that bother me are really random things. Then there are other things that are of less importance/sensitivity to me. I found myself wondering if that was part of my "winning formula attempt". Sure, I'll share something that is close to me, but it will be something random that someone wouldn't know I was sensitive about unless I said "HEY, this is important, pay attention!" Then it just sets me up to be "dropped" or rejected/neglected in regard to my emotions. The question is...do I need to be more "normal" therefore being less of myself? Or do I just choose more wisely who I share those things with? Or is there another option alltogether?
Among the books we are encouraged to read for our Marital Therapy class are two books by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs.
I read His Needs, Her Needs first a few months ago and I finally finished Love Busters last night/this morning.
Most of the needs/busters seem common sense, but in reality I've seen so many couples that maintain the busters while getting rid of meeting their spouse's needs. I don't have them sitting right next to me, but they are definitely good reads and will help any relationship when you feel like you "don't love them anymore". It's amazing what some things will teach you!
Several people may think they only need to read His Needs, Her Needs, but if you are meeting your spouse's needs, but still tearing them down and draining your "Love Bank" by using love busters as well then you will be fighting yourself in returning to (or increasing) the love you had when you married.
I recommend reading Love Busters first just because your need meeting will not be received if you are using love busters in your relationship. Both great reads and helpful in any relationship!
