Why Do People Have Kids?!

My job is to work with kids who have behavioral, developmental, social, mood, and/or anxiety problems (I'm sure I'm forgetting something) so I deal a whole lot with kids. Of the 37 families that I have open, I have only one parent who is willing to do therapy for themselves. There are several parents who will come into the sessions, but it seems that their intent in being there is to make sure that their child doesn't report anything "bad" about them.

Today I met a kid who is in his teens. His mother had him then another child from another man before she married. Within the marriage another child was born. When my client was six, his younger half sibling was adopted by his step-father, but not him.

I don't know what came into the mother's mind to make her believe that was a good idea, but it happened and now this teen has been excluded from  being a part of the family his entire "family" life.

I have been wondering for the past few weeks, why these people even have children. I have parents who drop their kids with relatives. Parents who hide their kids from DCFS so they can't be taken away. People who would rather use drugs than feed their kids. People who are angry at their kids (when really the kids didn't do anything). Every once in a while I'll run into a person who wants the child that is in their home and they just don't know what to do. Usually, these are the grandparents or foster parents.

So, as far as I can figure, these are the reasons (in no particular order) people have children:

1) They have children because they know/hope (or at least try) they can be a good parent and care for them in the appropriate ways.

2) They have children because they are "supposed" to.

3) They have children because nobody taught them where babies come from.

4) They have children because five minutes of feeling loved is better than nothing.

5) They have children because they believe then someone will love them all the time. (Not true, just in case you were wondering.)

6) They have children (and keep them) because they don't know the option of adoption is available.

7) They have children because their own desires are more important than the quality of their parenting.

8) They have children because they want them and then something happens (death, divorce, abandonment) that they didn't plan on and they don't admit they need help.

9) Children are possessions and how dare someone say they will take them away if I don't do "better" whatever that is.

10) They have children because they are bored and don't know what else to do.

Of course, this is not an exhaustive list. Ideally, everyone that has kids would have them because of the first reason. I don't see any of those families. I feel for these kids. For the kids who are just dealt a bad hand because their parents choose work or friends over having a relationship with their child. Then I have adopted children that are no longer wanted by their adopted parents which is a double rejection. Why people adopt children and change their minds later, I'll never know.

I know it's easier said than done, but I just want these parents to try. I want them to learn to admit that they could be wrong and be willing to change for the sake of their children. Think of someone else for a change.