Two Questions

This week I received an e-mail from someone I hadn't spoken to in a few years. This was someone I knew about 18 years ago and we have been friends off and on until we got to a very firm off point.

During my time in school, I realized very often that I do not know what a person has been through. As I realized this, I found myself wanting to be the kind of person that would be a positive experience to someone, regardless of whether I knew their whole story or not.

I have been going over and over my interactions with this back-and-forth friend and returned to the "if I had known ____ about them, I would have been nicer" way of thinking that I wanted to avoid by making such a resolve while in school. Yes, our interactions were long before I knew what I know now, but it has helped me remember my initial decision on how to treat people.

In a training recently we were talking about damaging thought patterns following a trauma. A mother who might tell herself "I don't know if any man is safe to be around my kids" is completely correct. She doesn't know. That is accurate. The second question that we should ask ourselves is "is it helpful?"

I think we should ask ourselves these two questions (Is it accurate? Is it helpful?) when interacting with someone. Yes, someone may have done something to hurt you and a statement further chastising them may be accurate, but is it helpful to say it? I can think of many instances where I have heard accurate statements, but that were more harmful to the recipient than helpful.

I try to choose my words in such a way that is helpful to others, but I falter, just as all of you. But when thinking of your children, spouse, siblings, co-workers, friends remember that if you want to keep them as close as they are (or make them closer) seek to be accurate AND helpful in your comments. See what difference it makes.