The last class has begun and it seems that all I can think about is dragons. At least that's what popped into my head last night as I was trying to get some rest from the stresses of all the transitions that are going to happen in a matter of a few weeks. In a nutshell, I think I'm shoving four or five huge transitions into a three-day period at the end of the month. I'm so glad to be making the drive to my new location with my best friend so I can fully process the whole ordeal.
Back to dragons. The only dragon I can picture is that one from Shrek, probably because it's the one I've seen the most. I suppose I have always believed there was a shortage of knights in the modern world. I never really thought about it, but I also rarely saw a guy that struck me as the type to go out and slay dragons. I've seen guys fight things that looked more like salamanders than dragons, thinking they'll still get the gratitude of the fair maiden. The maiden didn't even see the "dragon". Heck, she was in another land when the slaying happened. She wasn't even close to being in mortal danger, at least not by that "dragon". She was being tormented, but the knight just thought it was a pet or something she enjoyed, so he left it to find something more...conquerable.
I'm all about guys finding their adventure. I can't really be a fan of Wild At Heart and not be a fan of that. I just wonder if the guys really don't see the dragon or if they see it, comment on it, and the maiden minimizes it or demands to fight it on her own. I think...I am one of these maidens. I've been fighting dragons for so long by myself that it only seems natural to continue to fight them on my own, even when a knight arrives in full gear and ready for a fight. He recognizes the need, has a desire to meet the need, yet is brought down by the maiden's determination and strength.
I'm not a feminist. I never have been. I've been called a "strong woman" by more than one of the professors here in the program, but that is mostly attributed to a need in order to function. While I love a great therapy session, it doesn't compare to the joy I get from doing stereotypically "female" things like baking/cooking for others, watching kids play, teaching, but most of all...being taken care of.
I think there is a shortage of a lot of people willing to be taken care of. Whether it is a trust thing or a pride thing, I don't know. I just wonder...when there is an obvious need observed, how often do we not stop to help? Why? Do we think someone else will stop? Is someone else better equipped? Has the world successfully convinced everyone that they have nothing to offer? Is there some kind of thought process where we think if we were that person we would be offended that someone offered help? Like they were saying "you're not strong enough to handle this" and swoop in and try to help? Is it really so bad to accept help?
I was leaving for church on Sunday and there was a girl in her Jeep at my apartments that was obviously not starting. My experience in regard to cars is limited at best. I have a dad I can call in a hurry who could probably answer any question about cars, but that's really all. I wanted to help. I was leaving for church rather early. I had time. I just didn't. The Jeep is running again, I don't know who helped, but I'm glad someone did.
Maybe we all take turns being knights and maidens. We all need help at times and we all have the potential to fight the dragon with someone, even if just next to them, not taking over. A little help never hurts. And regardless of what the world tells us, we are all worth a little help.
I finished "The Epidemic" yesterday. I don't have it on hand, but I will say this is another must-read! While it is directed
toward parents of all ages, specifically the troubled teen, I got something completely different from it. There was an interesting underlying pattern throughout the book that I can only suspect was intentional. Dr. Shaw repeatedly mentions how parents know when something is awry in their child's life and they make a decision to not act on it or act contrary to their instinct. This failure to act (or act inappropriately) is what is literally killing children today. Not that parents are murdering children (although that does happen) but more that their unwillingness or inability to do the natural thing for their child leads to suicides, school shootings and other life-altering behavior.
I cannot help but hear that one of the roots of the "epidemic" is each person's inability to follow that little voice inside their head. A distancing from the Spirit and doing what they know is right and good can only lead to unfortunate consequences. If only the fix were that easy. "Everyone remember who you are, act with integrity, and things will be better." Yeah, that will work.
In my very first semester here, one of my professors started talking about a book called The Epidemic.
He said he was going to order it for us and not to worry about it. After several months of backorders and short-term memory loss, we have the book in hand. From what we discussed in classes about the book, I understood it to be about overindulgence on a broad spectrum. Mostly because that's the idea that came across from our class discussions. I started reading it a week or so ago, but because of all the assignments due at the end of the month, I didn't really pick it up again. I picked it up again on Saturday, but mostly as a procrastination tool, so I still haven't finished it.
In reality, it's a parenting book. At least from the first few chapters. If I had to base an entire review upon the first chapters, I'd say this is a book that I'll recommend to parents, future parents, and just people in general for years to come. I'm excited to get to finish it this week and tell you more about it.
Other than that, my practicum has ended and the countdown to graduation, along with a mild case of senioritis, has begun. Hopefully I can hold out until the end of the month! :)
Sorry about the long (it feels long) absence. I've got lots to post and I'll try to post every day I'm up on campus until I get all my thoughts out and have a coherent post instead of a potpourri post. :) I could blame it on finals, the new semester, my internship, unexpected new social interactions, family drama, or the finicky computer, but really I've just been slacking.
The class that we started this week is our Psychological Testing class. I've been in love with those tests ever since I can remember. Anything that can explain to me exactly how I am just by me answering a few questions holds a feeling I just can't explain. I took a similar class in undergrad and was more excited than my classmates about the new semester and class.
The other day we came upon a discussion regarding personality. Particularly in regard to personality testing. The theory presented was that personality is basically unchangeable, but the behaviors change. Every once in a while our preference for one behavior/answer will be altered based upon our mood. For example, if you've just spent several weeks on a trip with your friends and it went a little too long...you'd likely answer more questions to categorize yourself as an introvert because you are so happy to have some "me" time.
There was an argument or possibly a discussion about this theory, but in all honesty while I was listening I managed to go off on a mental tangent (which you will soon see) so I cannot remember what the exact details of the argument were. I was going to make a comment, but there was not an obvious opportunity and I didn't make an effort to create one.
My thinking in regard to personality is that, yes, our personality doesn't change. BUT (and this is a big but) we, as individuals don't necessarily find every part of us that contributes to our personality within the first five years of our lives. Part of life is finding who you are, learning what makes you come alive, and doing those things. So, in reality, our personality doesn't change, but our behavior does as we become closer to who we really are. It sounds a little confusing so I'll try and find a good metaphor.
Have you ever seen those movies where people are trying to crack a safe? The graphics allow you to see inside the safe and watch as the proper keys click into place. To me, personality is like that. The code is there. We just move back and forth until we click in each spot, move on to the next, going back and forth, until we unlock who we really are. The code is unchangeable and sometimes we aren't even looking for the code, but it is there.
I'm excited for the rest of this class (but not so much for the exam on the third day of class. *yuck*
A few weeks ago I went to a Continuing Education Seminar hosted by Remuda Ranch. I haven't had a client that was dealing with anorexia or bulimia specifically so I was excited to attend and learn what I could from the presenters. The presentation was very informative and a great experience all around. While there, one of the case studies presented was about a girl who was a diabetic in conjunction with her eating disorder. A comment was made suggesting that her inability/unwillingness to maintain her diabetes was, in itself, a self-harm behavior.
Since then, I've been thinking a great deal about self-harm behaviors. I suppose I had never realized that not doing something could be qualified as a self-harm behavior. Usually self-harm behaviors are things like cutting, binging and purging, pretty much any addictive substance or behavior, high risk behavior, picking, pulling, etc. Self-harm equaled action in my mind for some reason.
A couple months ago I made a list. It was a list of things that I really enjoyed, things that made me feel happy or brought confidence. It was also a list of things that I don't do enough. After this conference I began wondering if my lack of motivation to do the things that really make me happy would qualify as self-harm behavior. Does not doing things that help you qualify as self-harm behavior?
I would venture to say that it does. If I don't eat healthily...I will probably not live as long. Some people might say that shortening your life is self-harm...but usually they call that suicide. Maybe it's a stretch. If good things enrich your life, then the absence would logically lead to a lower quality of life which can lead to depression, increased stress levels, poor health, etc.
Your thoughts?
Twice a week I go to a hospital about an hour away for my internship. Three other classmates work at other hospitals in the same area so we generally carpool to save on gas and to get the time to spend with each other.
If I am completely honest with myself...I hate it. It isn't the hospital, I really enjoy the people there and my clients as well. They're great. I don't really mind driving/riding the hour there and back with my friends. Quite enjoyable. I know what you're thinking...if you don't hate your internship and you don't hate the long drive (or the people on that long drive) what is it that you hate?
I was raised to be a hard worker. I like to use my time to the best of my abilities and get as much accomplished as I can. Especially when I'm doing it for someone else. I'm currently assigned to three clients which means every time I'm there I see each of them for individual sessions and then every other week I see their parent/guardian for a family session (or over the phone). I love the feeling of a day where I've seen all my clients and filled in my time with psychosocial evaluations. It's a full day and I feel accomplished and like I've put in the work I agreed to do.
The other part of this is that I don't feel like I can fully commit to doing extra work, such as psychosocials, because of time constraints. In reality, there are no time constraints. Nobody ever said "we need to be done with everything by 3:00 so we can get back to town on time for ____." No rules were ever placed upon this carpool situation. I've had days where I've waited until almost 5:00 and it worked out fine. I just don't want to be the reason people have to wait.
For this reason (and just one other), I don't take on extra work after I've finished my work unless I know I have plenty of time to get it done. If I finish all my individual sessions by noon and I don't have any family sessions, of course I'll make time for psychosocial evaluations. Not a problem at all. If I'm done about 2:30...that's pushing it.
I never really thought much of it, to be honest. I just thought I was trying to be considerate of my classmates and their lives waiting back in town. I knew they had places to be, things to do, and I didn't want to be the reason they were delayed. It never really hit me until a week or two when I thought I had lost my phone. I spent the entire day at the hospital and couldn't get or send texts telling me (or them) when I'd be done. I didn't know what my time frame was and I was asked to do about four extra sessions with kids.
I was in full panic mode and I had no idea why I was in panic mode. Then, out of nowhere, I started trying to figure out ways I could get back to my apartment when I got left because I went too long or couldn't tell my classmates to wait. My brain was in damage control mode and there was no way to make sense of it. Now that I've realized the familiarity of that feeling, it has only intensified the feeling on the days that I'm not the driver. Questions about whether I'll be forgotten or intentionally left because I took too long continue to occupy my mind when I'm not the driver.
I finish earlier and earlier for fear of being left. Then I have to sit and wait for hours at a time because I didn't dare take on any extra work. And there have even been times where I'll have to find a place where I won't be found so I don't feel bad for not doing as much work as I know I can do. Then I end up feeling bad because I know I could work harder and do more, but if I do then the fear gets even stronger and I don't trust that I won't have to walk the 60 miles home.
Then comes the question of whether I should drive myself, work a fully day, feel good about my day, pay my own gas, have a way home without fear, and have to explain why I "all of a sudden" don't want to ride with my classmates for four hours a week. This, of course, makes them feel like I don't want to be around them and I feel like a bad friend for letting something so petty get in the way of our time together. Pretty much, no matter what, it's going to stink. Which one stinks least? I hate having to drive an hour to the hospital.
A couple weeks ago some of my classmates were asking me what makes me angry. Generally I don't get angry about stuff. They didn't believe me. They probably thought it was some of that old "avoidance pattern" stuff where I just block out "all" my anger. I finally found something that makes me angry. And then I found at least one thing that frustrates me.
First we'll address angry. Parents. Not my parents, but parents of my kids at the hospital. Specifically, the ones who make excuses not to see their kids and treat them like they're unimportant wastes of time. I'm about to drop-kick one of the moms. Or at least give her a sound tongue-lashing. I suppose then what really makes me angry is people who don't take into consideration the feelings of people they should love. If that's whittled down into one word it would be...selfishness. In reality, all selfishness doesn't get me as fired up as this one situation, but still.
I suppose the frustrating thing could be construed as something along the vein of selfishness, but I don't think so at all. It more comes down to...people giving up. People who don't fight any more. It seems like a pretty wide spectrum of people, but ... okay maybe it is. I don't know how my parents did it, but all of my siblings (and myself) are hard workers. We don't put our names on shabby jobs of things and enjoy it.
This is probably most frustrating to me because I've been known to do it in the past. Not in regard to tangible things, but more in regard to relationships/friendships. I'll move and unless I know that the friendship goes both ways then I'm not really going to make an effort to maintain a long-distance anything. It becomes even more difficult each time I move because I have a large family and I keep adding good friends and eventually all my time would be spent calling, e-mailing, or writing snail mail to my friends if I really kept touch with them all. I know this about myself.
I have managed to convince myself that this is okay because I make an effort not to be fake about stuff. If I don't like you...I don't hide it. I'll be civil, but I won't be outgoing and bubbly to your face and stab you when you turn around. I'm not that person. Because I'm not that person, I don't accept people as friends who I feel are "that person". Sometimes it takes me longer to realize the facade than others, but there hasn't been a time where I've been tricked when it came to it.
For me, there are no one-sided friendships. I'm not going to pour my heart out to anyone who doesn't feel they can do the same to me. There are times when I see room for improvement on my part and on the other person's part. I know they are holding themselves back and I want to be around when they let themselves go (in a good way). I want to see them reach their potential. The frustrating part is when you see them moving toward that and then...they stop. They refuse to try, to fight, to work for the end goal, to put themselves out there with a risk.
This is the point for me where I lose my steam for watching paint dry. I am reminded of a scene in the movie Gattaca where the two brothers race swimming in a lake and the seemingly "weaker" one always wins. Toward the end of the movie, the brother that loses all the time finally asks how the other wins. He tells him that he doesn't save any energy for the trip back. I feel like these people that are holding back are expecting some sort of safety in putting away some energy for later when in reality it only means that they'll rarely win. Then I find myself mourning for the person they have the potential to be. They will always be frustrated with themselves. Trying to find ways to prove themselves that don't take true risk or effort. The person they could be is frustrated because they are unwilling to take one step on true faith. Instead they take steps other people have set before them, with no thought for ... anything.
I suppose it's so frustrating because I know the difference. I'm not saying that I don't do it anymore, I just don't do it as much. I know how much happier I am on the days that I choose to walk by faith and trust in who I could be and the paths set before me or I have to blaze myself. Doing it is the hard part.
Marriage is hard.
I know it hasn't been openly discussed, but I'm going to break the code of silence and tell you all. Those who have experienced it have kept the secret well, at least until they divorce due to "irreconcilable differences". Television and movies make it look fun, at least the process leading up to it. Fights in sitcoms are laced with laughter and jokes and rarely shows a resolution between the offended and the offendee other than a short apology and kiss on the cheek. Yes, that is exactly how it all works.
There are plenty of people out there that may say I have exactly zero right to address "marriage" and it's difficulty because of my own lack of experience, but I don't think I need to be a race car driver to know that there are dangers to traveling at hundreds of miles an hour surrounded by other drivers in a loop. I don't need to be a pilot to know that some planes crash. Brad Paisley has a song called "If Love Was A Plane" that says "Imagine now the pilot’s voice on the intercom right before we leave the ground saying folks thanks for flying with us but there’s a 6 in 10 chance we’re going down"
I've had an influx lately of relational clients (a.k.a. couples) and it just drains me. I had four hours of couples just...mad at each other last week, in a row. In reality they weren't mad, they were hurt. Their movie wasn't ending the way all the other ones they'd seen ended. It was obviously their spouse's fault. The energy spent finding ways for each of them to see the way their actions have affected the state of their marriage is draining on some days and exciting on others.
I just wonder, am I just a cynic? Am I the only one that knows marriage will be lots of work, communication, compromise, and sacrifice?
I've been saying this a lot lately, but I really do wish that I could just download a portion of my perspective on things into my clients' minds. It'd save me time and them money. Good thing life is hard and we have to earn it. It wouldn't be all that fair for me to just hand out my hard-earned whatever you want to call it to people who don't want it and are just looking for an excuse to get out of a difficult situation. Everybody needs love, but so many people think they need it from other people before they can give it to someone else. If that were the case, nobody would ever feel loved. Thank goodness for people who love in spite of pain and hurt. Who decided to throw pride aside because they'd rather have each other than be right.
Those are the heroes of today. It's a shame so many of them are hidden.
I'm not a good co-therapist. It's something that is difficult to admit, but it's true. Oftentimes I am not really on the same page as my co-therapist and I get frustrated and it ends up being the antithesis of therapeutic. I suppose I learned this during my first few sessions in the therapy room. The 2nd year over me was totally missing everything that was being said and I didn't feel like I had the authority to re-direct into a more healthy direction. I've done a pretty good job of avoiding co-therapy sessions since that time...
until now. It's now approaching crunch time. You know, the time when all the 2nd years need hours to make sure they have 500 by graduation. Due to this crunch, we have been paired together with other therapists who need family hours.
Because of my previous bad experiences and my avoiding the option to have a co-therapist in most cases, I haven't really worked with many of my colleagues in the therapy room. There are a few that I "knew" I wouldn't get along with because of the way that I assumed they would do therapy. I was dreading a therapy session with one of my colleagues for exactly this reason. I had seen other colleagues leave the room frustrated and I assumed I would have an equally "bad" experience.
I was so glad the past couple weeks when we had sessions scheduled and our clients wouldn't keep their appointment for their first session. Crisis averted, I thought.
Tonight I arrived to see, not one, but two on the books with this colleague and I heard the receptionist giving directions to one of them so I knew they were coming.
I just want to say that I was pleasantly surprised. Both sessions went well. We played well off of each others' suggestions and comments without the sometimes apparent "fighting". There were only one or two things that I started to disagree with, but then I realized their direction and it wasn't even a big deal because I gave myself time to listen to what they were saying. I look forward to continuuing to work with my colleague with these two families/couples. It will be a good experience for both of us, I hope.
I wonder if he was as worried about me as I was about him. It all goes back to Dr. Seuss in the end. Remember the story about the pale green pants? No? Look it up!
I've learned that I'm a weird fighter. Okay, generally I don't fight. It used to be that I'd get frustrated and just avoid, ignore, until it passed or until they got the clue that I wanted nothing to do with them. None of which was an appropriate solution to the problem
Since I've started this program that has slowly transformed in many ways and I feel as though I'm full circle. I was to the point where I'd sit and deal with it right then. We'd talk about what was hurtful, etc. and all things would be resolved. The problem arose when it wasn't really resolved. The thing is, I take a little while to process things. Something can't happen to me and then five seconds realize that it wasn't really about the fact that you shushed me, but it was more about the fact that nobody wanted to listen to me when I was little and that still kinda hurts because then I start believing it again.
So, then I finally realize what the problem really was, but the other person thinks it's resolved and I feel silly for bringing it up, so I don't and then they never really get why I was upset. They only get my this-is-the-only-reason-that-comes-to-mind-now response. It's so frustrating to have incomplete conversations!!
I've since taken up the habit of not engaging in those conversations until I know what it was really about. It appears to be the same pattern as before from the outside, but it really isn't. When it comes down to it, much of the frustration, whatever, had nothing at all to do with that person and only their resemblance to an emotionally similar situation. Once I have successfully identified this situation and processed through it, I feel no need to engage in a conversation to resolve the issue, I'm over it. Unless of course that person is available at two in the morning when I finally get to the root of it all.
The down side is the random awkwardness as a result of my time trying to figure it out. I'm not going to act like everything is okay, but I'm also not going to act like it isn't, so I just don't act (which strangely resembles the acting like something is wrong and avoiding thing). Good times.
I have something better next, honest.
