I realized yesterday that there really is no such thing as unconditional love when it comes to relationships. I'm not sure why I never really grasped it before, but experience in my professional and personal realms has been very interesting in this aspect. Yesterday, it was as though a lightbulb came on and it was completely an epiphany. I mean, I knew it. All my classes in school regarding marriage and relationships discussed how people have certain needs, etc. and when they aren't being met...dissatisfaction grows.
I should mention that both myself and my husband are as flawed as the next couple. I still have trouble just spitting it out when I'm upset and he has his own flaws. Neither of us are the person we were a year and a half ago. Part of this is for the good. We have grown and learned more about ourselves as individuals and as a couple than we knew a year ago. I think we've both gotten a little too secure and forgotten that this unconditional love thing doesn't exist.
Each part of a relationship could do something that slowly makes it difficult to really be completely open to the other person. It could be a small or serious change, a disappointment, broken promises, annoying habits, etc. Actually, according to Willard Harley they are: selfish demands, annoying habits, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, independent behavior and dishonesty. Man, I think we could split those right down the middle and share them in regard to guilty parties.
The part of the realization was mostly for my own benefit. I'm not who my husband married on some days. I work all day, come home stressed, vent about people he's not allowed to know and that is different. Some habits I had last year are habits that are long gone now and other habits that I didn't have are now constant companions. Plus, I was single much longer than I have been married. Being independent is what I do. I have had to be independent to make it as far as I have. I know what's in the bank and in my head can determine whether we can or cannot afford something...and he just has to trust it. Completely not fair! Hard habit to break.
In reality, a relationship is an agreement to be there for each other in ways that create security and safety in emotional, physical, and even financial ways. If I change my mood every five seconds, it isn't safe. If I decide that I need a new gadget every five minutes to make me "happy" then that affects financial security. If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. If you keep scratching someone's back and nobody's scratching yours then resentment, frustration and even betrayal begin to build and that affects love. Love is not unconditional.
I know I should get back to my old good habits and drop my new bad habits. There's a difference between being comfortable in a relationship and being "comfortable" and just letting yourself go with the illusion that your significant other will love you even if you are a different person. Heck, he should even weigh in on whether or not I get my hair seriously cut because, after all, he's the one who has to look at me every day. If I dyed my hair, got a few tattoos at the local tattoo parlor and started dressing inappropriately...I'm not who he married and why should he still love me?
I suppose I should also think of what the conditions are for me to love him. I think that would make life easier for both of us.
In my Abnormal Behavior class my very first semester in graduate school we were warned that we would start seeing these "disorders" in ourselves and decide that we were something when we most likely weren't. Today, I was sitting with the Doctor who prescribes all my kids' medications and listening to her talk about all the things that are "classic" ADHD in girls and could not help but think of the many things that run through my mind on a daily basis. Lists of the things I need to do. Work tasks. Chores. Organizing (a personal favorite, really) and then I just want to stop. So, I end up going home and catching some shows on hulu.com just so my mind will stop. I didn't realize this was the case until today.
I don't really think I'm ADHD, I mean, it would have shown up by now, wouldn't it have? Maybe I'm just so...driven?...that I can't finish it because I want to do so many things. I want to keep a list, but I don't have a minute to stop and make the list. I buy planners and never use them longer than a week or two. (Oh that reminds me, I need to pick my refills so work will buy them!) You see what I mean, unfocused.
I love it when the doctor comes because I clean off my desk, or at least organize it a little more. Then I end up having stacks of papers to go through and I never get it done. Such as, I have printed out the information for my LPC testing a million times, but it keeps getting pushed aside and I've yet to send in the paperwork. If I don't finish something in that sitting, I rarely get back to it. This includes thank you cards, books, etc. I have three books in my other purse that I haven't finished and they are in my purse because I know if I put them on the shelf it will never happen. I miss reading. In any case, there are a million things I should be doing right now as I wait for my always-late client, but I needed to do something that I could FINISH so I decided to update instead.
I deal with a lot of different kinds of people. Some of them will make a very big deal about very small things. I received an e-mail "reminder" about a meeting concerning one of my clients. This was not a reminder and my schedule was full. Instead, a representative from the place that scheduled the meeting called for my feedback. I reported the facts: the mother had an appointment with me and missed it. A week later, she called me back and left a message. I returned her call, but did not get an answer. I had heard nothing since (about two weeks ago). This particular mother wants to reunify with her children and have overnight visits. The problem is, she's not cooperating in therapy so I can determine if she is appropriate with her daughter and it's okay for the visits. I keep getting reports from outside sources that mom doesn't believe that her daughter was sexually abused by her step-father and is being inappropriate about it.
I say all this to say that she called this morning (the meeting was yesterday afternoon) and had a very tense conversation with one of the staff in the office. She then tells one of our receptionists that I didn't call her back and it's my fault she isn't with her kids. Because of my failure to call her, the receptionist also e-mailed me. I called her back, expecting a tirade of frustration only to be greeted by an understanding woman placing blame on the same support staff member. She claimed she called to see when her appointment was with me and she was told there was no appointment and I would be calling her when an appointment was needed.
I think it's interesting that people are angry and confrontational to people not involved, but when it comes down to it, they back down. Which side is the real side? I suppose that in the end she knew it wasn't my fault the appointment was missed and that just wasn't going to fly. Some people.
I meet with a variety of children and parents in my line of work. I have some parents that will admit all the things they are doing "wrong" and then correct these behaviors. There are others that will hide facts and even others that will claim to be doing things they are not. After working with them for a while, I tend to form an opinion about these families. About 25% of my clients are also involved in the state in regard to children's protective services.
I have one family that protective services has tried to remove the children, but there are arguments for each side. I returned to work about the middle of September. The dad did not keep their appointments and an order was filed. The dad was talking about "adult things" with the children, sending them to school without being clean (hair, clothes, etc.), and not keeping therapy appointments.
Last week I finally got in touch with him and set the appointments. His daughter arrives coughing, obviously with a severe fever, nausea, etc. I'm not thrilled. He had checked her out because she was sick, but didn't have the insight to think to cancel her appointment with me. She leaves and I tell the case manager that she will not be participating in the group activity that day.
I find out this morning that the girl, her brother, and dad all have swine flu. Great.
My main frustration is that this guy seems to be devoid of any common sense or consideration of his daughter feeling sick. She is a trooper and dragged herself out of bed to come to therapy, but really, should he have made her come? This is one of the families I find myself on the fence about. Neither parent is really capable of caring for these kids but they need their parents. I'm just glad it's not my decision.
There have been a lot of thoughts this past week. I finished reading Facing Codependence while I was in the middle of reading Crucial Confrontations. Reports on both of these books at a different time. I hope to finish the Confrontations book this weekend.
It's quite interesting because I'm not very confronting at all. I have this habit of accomodating others and not standing up for myself, as justified as it may be at times. I didn't realize how much this really matters until a little while ago. Something was bothering me. I let it slide, decided to grin and bear it. It happened again, grin again. The third time I will have to say that I responded in all the "how not tos" in the book and it led to some serious tension between myself and the parties involved. Had I said it the first time, when I was less emotional about it, I have no doubt that the end would have been completely different. Had I finished that book a few weeks ago instead of letting it sit in my purse, it would have been different.
At the same time, I think confronting oneself is equally difficult. It is a pretty frequent occurence for me to call myself out on stuff. I know when I'm slacking and when I can do better, but making myself follow through with it is different. I wonder if the techniques used in the book can be used in a self-talk situation. I suppose I should finish the book and see if I agree or not.
There is a case I've been working on for the past few months. At first it was two cases and now it is three because there is the one case, then the other case, and the fact that the two parents are dating. Not only are they dating, but the dad is not divorced yet and the mother of my other client moved in the minute they started dating. Needless to say, the kids involved are having trouble adjusting.
I've been wanting to talk to dad about doing family therapy, but haven't really had the chance. Today he came up wanting to talk about scheduling and it ended up being a 45-minute conversation. I invited him to attend family therapy with his two children. He suggested the entire "family" (the other woman and her kid) all meet together and I refused to see them together. There was definitely a different way for me to approach it, but for some reason I felt I needed to be very strong in voicing my concern for these kids. He became defensive when I offered guidance regarding step-families and the speed of this relationship and said "you're not a marriage counselor" to which I responded by pointing at my Marriage and Family Therapy degree and explaining that I, in fact, was trained in marital therapy.
Apparently, I should have told him. That was his only response. I'm not sure when I should have said it. Should I have said "my degree is MFT and so you should listen to every word I say"? In any case, this is not the first time I have had a parent of a client make assumptions about me. I have one mother who expressed to my case manager that I don't have a clue what she deals with because I have a "perfect husband and perfect life". Not to disparage my husband, but in reflecting upon my past and upon the things that all newlyweds struggle with, perfect is not the word I would use to describe either.
Then I wondered about the things that I assume about the parents of my clients. I should assume all parents have their child's best interest at heart. I sometimes forget this and feel the need to defend the kids instead of teaching the parents to defend. There are times that the town leaves me jaded and I assume the worst of the parents. If I get so upset when people act as though they know me when they don't, I'm sure that others feel the same way about my doing it to them.
In my work, I meet several people that appear, at best description, unmotivated for any positive thing in their lives. This is especially frustrating because my creativity in igniting that hope in others is dwindling, if it ever existed in the first place (my creativity, not their hope). I realized this week that much of loss of motivation/hope is within the Avoidance Pattern in the Negotiation Table.
We want/expect/hope/dream of something of a relationship or just something in life. When obstacles occur in getting that thing or reaching that goal we back out. We ignore that obstacle instead of confronting it and overcoming it. We then thoroughly convince ourselves that we don't really care about it, we numb it out. Next, we find something else to occupy our time. Maybe we get swallowed up in work, school, hobbies, etc. Each of these levels of avoidance affect whether we hope for something better, improvement of our situation, etc. and act to change our situation.
If we are not honest with ourselves about the things we want in life and we avoid hope because it protects us from pain then we are stuck, unhappy, and unfulfilled. I don't know many people who aspire to such a life, but I do know many who aspire to nothing and therefore gain such a life.
Today marks a few things. The happier of them is my 10-month-iversary with my current employer. I'm just now feeling settled in. The past few days I feel like I'm actually making a difference which is a nice bright spot with everything going on. With Summer here, I'm not quite as busy. This is good and bad, I think. It is good because I feel like I have more available to invest in the clients that are coming. Bad because I still find myself hesitating to invest a lot of time planning for sessions/groups because I don't think people will really show up. I would really hate to spend two hours making special things for the kids and then none of them showing up. That's discouraging to say the least.
I'm trying to figure out what changed that sent me back to the therapist I was when I was in grad school. Not that I've been terrible the nine months previous, but my confidence and boldness have definitely been hiding out somewhere. I think it's a good difference. I just worry that it will go away when the school year starts and my priorities change when the baby is born. The kids will always be important, but I will have to be consious to make sure mine maintains priority over them.
I'm finding that there are several girls in the area that do not know how to choose themselves over their friends or destructive behavior. Most girls will put themselves in dangerous situations, sacrifice their own self in an effort to be accepted or viewed in a different way. Then, they feel destined to repeat the mistakes of their parents and cannot find the strength to allow themselves to achieve something in spite of their circumstances. Oh, how fulfilling it would be to work with only teenage girls this week. Boys need it too, don't get me wrong, but I'm not as great with them. They need a male role model and I know I'm not that.
My professors told me that all clients are liars. I sometimes forget that, but have been reminding myself to be a skeptic in situations lately. Yesterday I had a client report a rape to me. It wasn't a forced thing, just that she (being underage) had sex with someone much older than she. Her mom gave her an out by convincing her that she felt like she was in a "tight spot" and couldn't say no. I understood for a little bit until I talked to children's services. Apparently there are several investigations about my client having sex with men above her age range. Regardless of whether this guy (the one sitting in jail) would have forced her or not, he's still too old and there's no arguing that. My concern is that several people (it looks like the count is up to five guys) will go to jail because this girl is not safeguarding herself. No, it still doesn't give them permission to take advantage of her. Now I just have to get her to actually be honest with me so I can help her work on the issues that affect her behavior.
To top it off, at the end of our session she asked me about her depression and a birth control shot. Oh how I wish her mother had been there.
I was sitting at our improvized kitchen table (a.k.a. an end table that doesn't fit in the living room) eating a strawberry and I noticed that these strawberries don't taste like the wonderful strawberry flavor that I LOVE. I laughed at myself and I'll tell you why.
I stopped eating oranges because they never tasted the same. I used to get one amazing orange, eat it, go back to the box for another and be sorely disappointed. I stopped giving oranges the chance to please or displease me. I'm almost as unforgiving of bananas. I used to eat them non-stop (ask my mom!) and then ate one too many and threw them up in the back of my mom's station wagon. I've never faithfully eaten bananas since.
In my thoughts I realized that strawberries and oranges have similar qualities in their ability to meet my expectations, but for some reason oranges get a more strict punishment. Was I just looking for a reason to not eat oranges anymore? Is peeling them too much work? Why do I still eat grapefruit then?
It sounds weird, talking about fruit on a "therapy" blog, but follow me for a bit. I think that's how we are in life. There are some people in our lives that leave a bitter taste in our mouths. Probably more than we would like. At times we continually give the same person chances to redeem themselves (whether they should or not) but on the other side there is someone else who behaves similarly, but can't get a break. What is it that makes that distinction?
On the same fruit vein I got to thinking of something else odd about fruit (for me). I seriously love fruit. I could eat and eat and eat fruit and be happy all day long. I would also prefer a good salad over ... pretty much anything. Oddly enough, these two things are rarely found in my diet. My parents somehow managed to create a love of vegetables and fruit in all the kids. I have no idea how they did it, but I think it's great! In any case, it's interesting how I love to eat fresh, healthy foods, but rarely do it. It's like I know exactly what is best for me, but I find "reasons" not to do it. Sometimes it's about the cost, sometimes it's about convenience, but still never a "good" reason. Now, if I just did the things that I knew were good for me, I may not even be in this predicament.
This is another thing I think many people do. They know what is good for them. They may even enjoy the things that are good for them. Yet they remain stuck on autopilot and do the things that aren't best.
The other day we went to grab something for lunch because we hadn't done grocery shopping. I was in the biggest mood for a great salad, but when we got to the drive-through I ordered my regular "value" meal. Pressure, anxiety, demand for a response and all thinking went out of the window. It takes serious intent to change patterns of behavior, even small ones.
